


it's already decided, it just comes automatic

by undeliveredtruth



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, And a whole lot of fluff too, Best Friends, Crushes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, They just figure out their lives together, a whole lot of sex, to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24404626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undeliveredtruth/pseuds/undeliveredtruth
Summary: When Yunho’s four-year relationship falls apart and he ends up hurt in the process, Jongho takes his role of best friendveryseriously.But the feelings for Yunho he’s tried so hard to bury can’t stay hidden for too long, and in the process of figuring out what he and Yunho can be, Jongho finds himself slowly stitching together the threads of his own life.
Relationships: Choi Jongho/Jeong Yunho
Comments: 28
Kudos: 208





	it's already decided, it just comes automatic

**Author's Note:**

> Hello I am here to push my 2ho agenda onto the world!! I love these two boys so much and I think their dynamics are fascinating; I think they'd act very differently with each other compared to others and in this AU especially, so it was so interesting to explore this. It turned out so much longer than I thought, but I hope you all enjoy it! <3

Hands on himself, Jongho’s fingers tug at his nipples, teasing them over the black shirt he’s worn to bed. It’s a Sunday morning, so he has all the time in the world to play with himself as much as he wants; he probably won’t get out of bed until he’s at least come twice and given the new vibrator he got in the mail yesterday a try.

Thinking about how it will feel in him, Jongho’s back arches, and he sneaks a hand under the waistband of his shorts to tug slowly at his half-hard cock. His other hand pinches at his nipple, harsher than he usually would, his mind conjuring up thoughts of someone else’s hands on him… how they’d wake him up with touches in these kinds of lazy Sunday mornings, teasing at his ear, moving down to his neck, big hands running all over him, fitting on his hips, thumbs running over his lips and pressing on his tongue—

His phone vibrates on the pillow next to his ear, breaking him out of his fantasy. Begrudgingly, Jongho grabs it with one hand to see what’s up, leaving the other one to tease at his thigh.

It’s Yunho.

Despite, well, everything, Jongho takes his hand out of his shorts and answers, putting the phone next to his ear.

“Yeah.”

 _“Hi! Are you up?”_ Yunho’s voice rings in his ear, and Jongho closes his eyes. Too much for right now; sensations overloaded, Jongho urges his heart to calm down.

“Yeah. Just woke up.”

_“Oh, I hope I didn’t wake you up.”_

“You didn’t. What’s up?”

_“Uhm… I have a favor to ask you.”_

“What is it?” Jongho bites his lip in his mouth. If he asks in that tone… Jongho would do anything he wanted.

_“Uh. I’ve decided to go through with it.”_

“With what?”

_“Proposing. To Hongjoong.”_

Oh, the gods must be fucking with Jongho right now.

_“Will you come with me to choose a ring for him? I don’t know what I want, and you know him well enough. Please?”_

Jongho wants to shake his fist to the skies, to the assholes who must be laughing their ass off at Jongho’s pathetic excuse of a life— as if it wasn’t enough what he had to go through so far.

_“Please… I don’t… I don’t think I can do it alone.”_

Yunho’s dejected tone breaks whatever semblance of dignity Jongho might’ve had in him, running his hand through his hair out of frustration. “Sure. When?”

_“Are you free today?”_

“Yeah.”

_“Can I come pick you up at noon?”_

Jongho takes the phone away from his ear to check the time. 10:27.

“Sure. I’ll be home.”

 _“Thank you, Jongho. I don’t deserve a best friend like you.”_ Jongho grunts in approval; he damn right deserves to be a little bit petty right now. _“See you soon!”_ Yunho hangs up with a sunny tone.

There’s a lot of time until noon, but Jongho’s libido is shot to hell after that anyway. Begrudgingly, he drags himself out of bed and gets in the shower.

“Isn’t that one so pretty?” Yunho points to an abomination of a ring, with a strangely set square diamond and some weird lines, and worst of all, _two-toned_. No matter how unhappy Jongho might be about the thought, he’s not about to let Yunho ruin this for himself. 

“No, Yunho-hyung. It isn’t,” Jongho pulls him away, getting Yunho’s eyes on his. “Think about it. What does Hongjoong-hyung wear every day?”

“I mean besides the Happy Hippie ring, he mostly has like… silver, flat rings with some sort of model in the center. Or like, simple thin rings.”

“Then shouldn’t you be looking for something like that? If he’s going to wear it forever, it should at least be something that’s his style.”

Half an hour later, Yunho finds something that Jongho also agrees with. It’s a platinum ring with a beautiful engraved model that looks somehow like waves; Yunho says it reminds him of their first date, at a restaurant by the beach, and Jongho has to admit Hongjoong will probably like it. _And if he doesn’t, I’ll just change it right?_ Yunho shrugs, and Jongho thinks that’s not really the thought to have.

But nonetheless, if Yunho’s happy…

While Yunho talks to the cashier, seemingly arranging sizes and everything payment, Jongho lets himself drift away to look at the rings displayed to the left. They’re from a different line, most of them simple, some with a few diamonds. One particular ring displayed catches his eyes, a platinum band with two delicate circles of diamonds all around it. The diamonds glint in the light of the store, and Jongho can only imagine how pretty they would look worn, catching the sunlight.

Turning around to check on Yunho, he just then realizes the silence that fell over the store, and finds Yunho’s eyes on him, a slight smile on his face. He looks happy. Jongho can barely imagine the feeling of marrying the person you love— thinking there is someone you could spend the rest of your life with.

“Oh. I’m sorry, I was just—“

“Those are really pretty. And no, don’t worry,” Yunho shakes his head, hands in his pockets. “You shouldn’t be apologizing, you came with me in the first place.”

“Are you done?”

“Yeah, I paid. I’ll come to pick it up when it’s done in a few days. Ready to go?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

The store’s bell rings when they walk out, hands in their pockets. It’s colder today than Jongho thought, the autumn fully upon them.

“Wanna go get a coffee? I have nothing to do today,” Yunho proposes, and Jongho nods. He doesn’t have much to do today either, so they fall in step and enter the coffee shop a few buildings away. They order quick, an Americano for Jongho and a way-too-sweet concoction for Yunho, and take a seat at a table somewhere in the corner, the order buzzer on the table between them.

“Are you happy?” Jongho prods, watching as Yunho still has that far away, kind of wistful look on his face.

“Hmm?”

“About the ring. Are you happy with it?”

“Yeah. I think Hongjoong-hyung will like it.”

“I’m glad.”

“Thank you for coming with me, really. I—“ The order device buzzes loudly, startling Yunho from finishing his thought. He stands up, taking it with him, and Jongho stays at the table, fiddling with his phone.

He wishes he could be happy for Yunho too. He really, really wishes he could.

The night Yunho is supposed to propose to Hongjoong, Jongho refuses San’s invitation to go out and chooses to stay at home instead.

By 9 PM, he’s exhausted anything he could think of doing, from watching the latest drama to listening to music, to cooking, to playing games. He’s even tried reading, but the words flew all over the place and he spent ten minutes on each page, eyes looking through the words and not at them.

Shrugging a jacket on and grabbing his wallet and his phone, he makes his way down the stairs from his apartment and outside his building, heading to the coin norebang around the corner. If he can’t distract himself with anything else, singing will do. Singing always does him well.

A few minutes later, after having barely taken a step into the small room, his phone suddenly runs out of battery and dies.

That’s alright. The more he can avoid seeing Yunho and Hongjoong’s happy selves on his phone, the congratulations from all their friends, the ring he helped pick on Hongjoong’s finger, the better he’ll fare when he actually has to deal with it. He will need time to collect himself, gather all the selfish thoughts in his mind and banish them somewhere else.

Settling on the small bench across the screen, he picks up the remote and queues up ten ballads at first, so he isn’t bothered to deal with picking songs later. Anyone who hears him will probably think Jongho was broken up with.

Oh well, maybe he was. Maybe he was.

He doesn’t even know what time it is when he gets back to his building, climbing the stairs to his apartment. He needs to go the gym more; funnily enough, since he works for one. He’s going to have to turn his phone on too, undoubtedly see the photos from Yunho and Hongjoong’s happy night, from…

“Oh,” he exclaims.

Yunho looks up at him. Yunho’s _looking up at him,_ sitting on the ground next to Jongho’s apartment door, hair haphazard and huddled into himself in his sweater and slacks.

Asking would be pointless. Jongho kneels next to Yunho, feels Yunho’s forehead rest on his shoulder and his arms fist in Jongho’s coat. Yunho doesn’t cry.

“Your phone was turned off, and I didn’t know… I’m sorry, I…”

Jongho’s hand reaches to the back of Yunho’s head, running up and down his back. “Let’s go in.”

Yunho looks entirely out of it when he steps into Jongho’s apartment; Jongho pulls him into his bedroom to rummage through his closet for something that might fit Yunho. He ends up with a pair of sweatpants and a too-large hoodie which he hands to him. Almost mechanically, Yunho takes his sweater and slacks off; Jongho takes his eyes away, awkwardly looking at the floor, arm extended to Yunho before he hears his throat clear and turns back around.

“Want a drink?”

“Please,” Yunho croaks, throat raw. He exists Jongho’s bedroom and takes a seat on his couch while Jongho heads to the kitchen.

These are times that call for something much stronger than soju. Jongho finds the half bottle of tequila that’s been left there probably by Wooyoung, probably from years ago too, and grabs two glasses, entering the living room with determination to be calm, be there for him. But seeing Yunho on the couch, eyes glossed over, knees tucked under himself...

Yunho looks up at him again with _those_ eyes; Jongho heads to the couch, to the opposite side, silently handing over a glass to Yunho.

“He said no,” Yunho admits, low, two glasses in.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, uhm… Yeah.”

In all honesty, Jongho doesn’t know what to say to comfort Yunho. _I’m sorry? It’s gonna be okay? Is it over?_

_I’m happy about it._

“I’m really sorry, I… That’s unexpected.”

“Yeah, I guess so. Not really,” Yunho snorts, downing one more finger of tequila. God, Jongho’s never seen Yunho like this, so… absent, out of himself, in the entire six years he’s known him. “I guess I’ve just been blind.”

It’s painful to see someone like Yunho hurt. Someone who wears his heart so earnestly on his sleeve, who’s always more than willing to give; when Yunho is hurt, Jongho almost feels it in himself, like a disappointment towards the world that would do someone like Yunho like this.

“Did he say why?”

“Yeah, kind of,” the clank of the glass on the coffee table juts Jongho out of his thoughts. “ ’It just isn’t the right time. I don’t think I’m ready.’ _”_

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“I mean… it’s okay. I guess it’s not over, right.”

_Why are you here then, if it’s not?_

“I’m sorry, I didn’t really know where to go,” Yunho continues, picking the glass back up again and pouring himself another finger of tequila. “I really didn’t want to be at home by myself right now.”

“You can always come here. Whenever.”

Yunho smiles for the first time tonight. A pained, low smile, but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you, Jongho. You’re a good friend.”

Barely a few days later, Jongho is playing video games at a way-too-late hour for his early work schedule when his doorbell rings. Who could it be? He didn’t order any food, and nobody texted him…

 _Oh._ Turning his phone over, he sees the missed calls from Yunho, and immediately drops his controller to rush to the door and open it, reveal Yunho’s dejected figure standing in his doorway.

“It’s over.”

This time, when Jongho catches him in his arms, Yunho _cries._ Jongho’s pajama shirt wets with Yunho’s tears; his hands insistently grabbing to Jongho’s shirt like he can’t get a grip… Jongho sighs, holding Yunho up, lets him quietly sob, feeling his heart break more and more with every choked breath Yunho takes. He’s never seen Yunho cry. Never, in the whole years he’s known him.

Time stretches for what feels like hours before Jongho hears Yunho calm down, and he pulls away just the slightest. His red, teary eyes when they look into Jongho’s, the look on his face like he’s broken, like it’s really something bad this time...

Jongho holds his biceps in his hands and tries not to start crying too. That would be terrible, awful of him. Instead, he takes Yunho to the couch, going to find his tissues and giving some to him, watching as Yunho wipes his tears and blows his nose, folding and unfolding the tissue neatly in his lap.

“Do you wanna... talk about it?” Jongho chances, bringing a glass of water which Yunho finishes at once and puts on the coffee table, resuming messing with the tissues, gaze down in his lap.

“Umm... I don’t think there’s much to say,” Yunho laughs. “We’re just over.”

God, Jongho has tried really hard to convince himself this moment would never come. That he’d never have to see Yunho like this, that Hongjoong would end up treating him well.

“I’m... I think I’m happy about it.”

“No, you’re not,” Jongho approaches Yunho again, holds out his arms and waits for Yunho to hug him again. “It’s okay not to be for a while.”

Yunho nods in his shoulder like he was waiting to hear it. “It’s okay not to be okay, right? Even if I knew it was coming...” he trails off, words muffled by Jongho’s shirt.

“Of course it is. Don’t beat yourself up.”

He lets Yunho take his bed, leaves his room only when his breathing has evened out and he’s asleep, however fitfully it might be. He makes his own bed on the couch in the living room with a pillow and a blanket, staring at the plain white of the ceiling.

He’s always known it would happen eventually. Back from when Yunho was absolutely obvious about his crush on Hongjoong throughout most of college, even while they messed around with other people. Hongjoong knew about it, they all knew he did, Yunho knew that he knew too.

But Hongjoong did nothing to reach out to Yunho. Nothing happened until Yunho finally got the courage in senior year to ask him out on a date, and Hongjoong, to Jongho’s surprise, had said yes.

Rationally, Jongho was always able to see that Hongjoong liked Yunho as well. It’s sort of impossible not to be a little bit in love with Yunho, and the glances Hongjoong threw sometimes at him, their dynamics, had always shown something more behind it; Hongjoong relied on Yunho more than on anything else. But Jongho was also able to see that Hongjoong never really fell for him.

Not in that powerful, all-consuming way; Hongjoong was a taker, and he took from Yunho, who was more than willing to give. Their friends had always been supportive of their relationship, seeing Hongjoong finally settle down, lose that frantic way of being he apparently had in high school; Jongho wouldn’t know, but he could imagine it from how Hongjoong was in their first few years of college too: determined, overworked, stressed, always on top, always the best. Yunho smoothed down Hongjoong’s sharp edges, made him calmer, more rational.

Which is not what someone like Hongjoong needs. Jongho knows from his own long nights in the studio with Hongjoong, helping him with the vocals on his tracks, and from the deep conversations that came after, that Hongjoong is not one to settle down and be tamed. Not by someone like Yunho.

But Jongho is biased, clearly, so he could never tell him; the guilt for Hongjoong being able to see it has always weighed hard on Jongho, which is why he always tried hard not to show it, to be either as supportive as he could or stay as far away as he needed to. To not intervene, ruin the careful balance Yunho and Hongjoong tried to settle themselves in.

But now they’re done. They’re done, and Jongho might be the worst human in the universe, but the _only_ thing he hates about it is how hurt Yunho is, and will be. Hongjoong too. Besides that… he can’t find anything else.

He wakes up to the sound of the shower running; Yunho must've gotten up before him. Jongho ignores the cricks in his neck and his lower back when he gets up off the couch and heads to the kitchen. The least he can do is try to whip up some sort of breakfast, even if his pantry does not seem too promising right now ingredient-wise.

He makes do with rice and spam, and some leftover kimchi his mother has sent more than a week ago; he doubts Yunho will complain. After all, he can barely make more than eggs himself.

It's been a long time since Yunho slept over though. And so, when he steps into the kitchen, hair wet and falling over his face, puffy face, and the worst, wearing Jongho's clothes, a black shirt that stretches slightly over his chest, sweatpants that don't reach his ankles... Jongho can't be blamed for how his throat goes dry at the sight.

He has to actively remind himself that Yunho is _hurting_. That Yunho broke up with his long-term boyfriend of four years who he even _proposed to_ just last night, and Jongho is an asshole for the thoughts that occupy his sleepy brain.

"Sleep well?"

"Your bed remains the most comfortable thing I've ever slept on," Yunho says with a chuckle. Jongho is glad to see that he doesn't look like he'll break down crying, because he doesn't think he can take seeing the sight of Yunho's tear-streaked face again. "What are you making?" he asks as he sits at the table, cheek on his palm. Jongho tears his eyes away.

"I'm just frying up some spam. I only have that, rice, and some kimchi. Is that fine?"

"Yeah, but that's all you have in your house?"

"Yeah," Jongho says, almost like an apology, "I didn't have time to go grocery shopping this week."

"Wanna go today?"

"Grocery shopping?" He turns to Yunho after he's done cutting the spam, dropping it in the pan with a sizzle.

“Mhm. I have nothing to do."

He can't fathom what it's like being Yunho right now; it's been so long since he's broken up with someone who was more than a few weeks' fling that he doesn't remember that feeling of emptiness as more than a vague memory. But he can imagine it, and it’s not pretty.

"Of course."

Yunho wants to fill his time with something; Jongho would be an asshole to deny him that.

The groceries Yunho bought for himself end up in Jongho's fridge, and Yunho himself ends up on Jongho's couch in another round of Jongho’s borrowed clothes. He's trying, he's really trying, but he has to take a moment to compose himself at the door to his living room because the sight of Yunho in his clothes is not something he thought he'd ever see, and not something he can easily get over.

It's something he's always imagined— the sight of his partner wearing his clothing, his shirt and maybe nothing more, having it fall to their thighs, padding through the house; sneaking up behind Jongho in the kitchen. Jongho would turn around and put his hands on their naked thighs, press them on the counter to kiss their neck.

He didn't know then, well, that it would be _Yunho_ who he'd fall for; Yunho with his big self and big presence, who fills out Jongho's t-shirts so well that instead, Jongho imagines struggling to peel them off his body from his place in Yunho's lap, eager to dive back into his lips, feel Yunho’s teasing chuckle as he does, the moment turning sweet—

“Hey. Are you okay?" Yunho turns around on the couch to look at him, and Jongho blinks his way out of his fantasy, focusing on the present moment.

 _He's an asshole;_ nothing more than a selfish, selfish person. His best friend just broke up with his long-term boyfriend, and Jongho's brain decides _that_ is the thing to unleash the hell of years' worth of feelings he's been working hard to bury.

"Yeah, sorry. I just remembered I needed to call my mom."

"That's fine. Do you want to do that? We can play after."

"Yeah. Do you mind?" he rushes to ask, already halfway out of the living room.

"No, of course not," Yunho smiles, and Jongho nods, making a beeline for his room.

Once he closes the door behind him he lets out a huge breath, trying to release the knot in his chest. He got _so good_ at handling his feelings, so good at keeping them buried in depths in his brain he only sought in the darkest, quietest hours of the night, that it’s hard to work through this now. He never expected this. Never allowed himself to imagine the reality of Yunho actually breaking up with Hongjoong, and coming to him for comfort.

Jongho wants to take care of him, to comfort him. He wants to see Yunho happy, himself, bright, confident as he’s always been, but Yunho in his apartment is the catalyst to an imagining of things he's long thought forbidden: that it would be Jongho to make him feel like that.

And now, the idea of those thoughts coming out to a point where he can’t hold them back, where Yunho might _see,_ scares him out of his mind.

Walking back into the living room, the first thing his eyes land on is his phone. On the coffee table, right next to Yunho's. Yunho's eyes raise to his, and he can't even _hide_ the hurt in them.

Well, _fuck._

Jongho slowly makes his way to the couch, dropping down at its other side, next to Yunho. Looking at him, he sees the way Yunho's fingers are threaded in his lap, the bite of his lip into his mouth. He radiates insecurity, and Jongho's heart _breaks._ Yunho is never like this. Yunho is the picture of confidence, of self-assurance, of positivity.

"I'm sorry, I..."

"I can leave, if I'm a burden and you need a break. I seriously don't mind."

_No. Nonononononono—_

Jongho reaches out, taking Yunho's hand in his. "No, _please._ Don't—“

"No, really. I get I'm probably not the happiest sight right now, and I'm ruining your weekend," he says, dropping his gaze down to his hands. The smile on Yunho's face from the morning and through their grocery shopping spree is gone now, revealing how he must really feel.

Sad, insecure, uncertain.

"Any time I spend with you is the best time I could ever spend," Jongho blurts, entirely unfiltered, feeling his ears redden. He doesn't regret it though, if Yunho's eyes looking up into his with some comfort can tell. Terrified, he continues. "I mean..." he sighs, "I feel terrible that it happened. And... I don't know how to make it better, so I'm feeling really awful about it, that I can't help you, and I can't make you feel better. I really wish I could take it all away and not have to see you sad. But I feel like I just made you even sadder, and I really didn't mean to do that, I am _really sorry,_ I want you to be happy when you’re here and feel like you can forget all about it.”

Yunho swallows, his eyes dropping just the slightest.

"Is that... how you feel?"

"Yes," Jongho determinedly nods, gathering his thoughts so he can make more sense. "You could never be a burden to me. _Never,_ okay?"

The deep breath Yunho takes rings out in Jongho's living room. Belatedly, Jongho realizes Yunho's hand is still in his, and he takes it out hurriedly, only to realize what it seems like.

_Goddammit, Jongho._

So he gets up, heading to the kitchen instead to get two beers from his newly replenished stack, handing one to Yunho and putting the other one on the coffee table to find the controllers in the cabinet under his TV.

"Smash?"

Yunho smiles. Jongho thinks it's a start.

Monday, back to work, he watches the hours creep by on the clock. He hasn't been more distracted than this in a really long time, fingers itching to pick up his phone and send Yunho a message to check in on him. Seeing him for more than two days straight already built a dangerous habit in Jongho - to _need_ to see where Yunho is, how he's doing; but he doesn’t want to be a bother, so he waits. Yunho said he’d text him after all.

Yunho does text him first, around 11 AM; he must be done with his first class of the day and taking a break. Jongho's hand flies to his phone.

_'Can I be honest?'_

_'Of course.'_ Jongho types, immediately sending the message. Fuck not looking desperate— Jongho _is_ desperate.

_'This kind of sucks.'_

Jongho stares at the message and something, somewhere, a little piece of his heart perhaps, breaks.

_'What are you up to?'_

_'Just finished a class. I was doing okay, but then one of the kids decided today was the day to complain to me about how hard the choreography is, that he doesn't feel like coming anymore, despite how everyone’s doing well.’_

Jongho's fingers hover over the keyboard, unsure of what to say to comfort Yunho. But before he can type anything, the typing bubbles appear again.

_'I also forgot to pack anything for lunch too. Not a really good start.'_

_'When are you taking a longer break?'_ Jongho immediately types, checking the schedule on his desk.

_'In like half an hour, probably. I need to finish cleaning the studio after this lesson and checking over the choreo for the next one.'_

Good. Great. Well, maybe not _great,_ since Jongho is still not done with his work and he has a meeting at 1 that he needs to prepare for, but...

That barely matters. That doesn't matter _at all_ right now.

_'I'll see you at 11:30 then.'_

_'What?'_ Yunho texts, but by that point, Jongho is already out of his seat and putting his coat on, grabbing his wallet and his keys. If he books it, he can get to the place that makes that street toast Yunho likes and to his studio in 30 minutes.

"You're crazy," Yunho greets him as Jongho walks into his studio with a convenience store bag in one hand and another one that says _Egg Drop_ in the other. He's quite proud of himself, if he dares say.

"Anything for my best friend," he grins, enjoying the slight pull of a smile at the corner of Yunho's mouth when he hands him the bag.

"You might be the best human to ever grace this earth," Yunho breathes out, eagerly taking out one of the sandwiches. "You bought four?"

"We both know you and I will not be satisfied with one," Jongho huffs, sitting down on the bench of the studio's changing room, Yunho straddling it across from him. "I also got Coke."

Yunho's jaw drops. "You really _are_ the best human to grace this earth."

The thrum of satisfaction tingles under Jongho's skin, making the blood in his veins _sing._

“Are you up to anything today?” Jongho asks as he leaves the studio, begrudgingly heading back for his 1 PM meeting.

“Mmm, no, not really.”

“Wanna watch a movie with me?”

“Tonight?” Yunho’s eyebrows rise.

“Yeah,” Jongho nods, a blush coloring his cheeks red. “Honestly, there’s this animated movie I’ve really wanted to go watch, but I didn’t want to go by myself because it’s…” _well, sort of embarrassing._

Yunho chuckles lowly, resting his side on the open door, head tilting to the right to lay on his shoulder. He takes a deep breath, his lips pursing with a long pause.

“Aren’t you tired of me?” he asks, low and quiet. Jongho looks into his eyes.

“I could _never_ be tired of you.”

Yunho laughs for real during the movie; the sound filters through Jongho’s ears and obliterates _everything_ there. Suddenly, he doesn’t know what the movie is about, what’s happening on the screen, what they came here for.

He must be staring; Yunho turns his head and catches Jongho’s eyes on his, smiles a small smile, and turns back to the movie. Jongho has to shake his head to focus again, watching the main characters in the movie holding hands. His fingers twitch in his lap.

Walking out from the movie room, stomach full of popcorn and soda, Jongho observes the small smile on Yunho’s lips that doesn’t seem to leave him. Jongho’s heart warms at the knowledge that he was able to put it there, even if indirectly.

“I think I’m gonna head home,” Yunho announces at the exit of the theatre.

“Oh,” Jongho can’t seem to be able to hide the disappointment in his voice. He gets it, it would be stupid to expect Yunho to stay over for one more night; he’s probably getting tired of Jongho, and Jongho has already taken advantage of this enough. “Do you want me to drive you?”

“I think I’m gonna take the subway. Is that okay?”

“Of course,” Jongho breathes out. “Text me when you get home?”

“Sure,” a smile tugs at Yunho’s lips, and before he knows it, Jongho is wrapped in a pair of arms, pressed into Yunho’s chest. He freezes but only for a second, his arms slowly reaching up to wrap around Yunho’s back, his head stealing the warmth of Yunho’s skin out of its own accord when Yunho presses in. He’s _selfish. So selfish._

Jongho’s the one to let go when it becomes too much, when it feels like he might make a mistake. Yunho does too, turns around with a wave of his hand and leaves. Unmoving, Jongho watches his retreating back, and sighs _._

_‘I had a good time’_

_‘Thank you’_

A week and something later, he’s already in his office when his phone vibrates with a message right at 8:01 AM.

 _‘I don’t deserve you’_ Under it, a photo of the coffee Jongho bought Yunho and left at the reception of his studio, held in Yunho’s big hand.

_‘Enjoy it, hyung.’_

_“Are you doing anything this weekend?”_

“Hmm…” Jongho picks at his nails, laying back with his head on the back of the couch. “Not really. Have any plans?”

_“Uh I kind of... wanted to go to Everland.”_

“Everland?”

_“Yeah. I haven’t gone in a long time, and I really wanted to go. I think it’s only going to get colder this year, so.”_

The weather has gotten better over the past week, but it’s true, the first signs of winter are hitting in the early November air. It was still late August when Yunho and Hongjoong broke up, and now it’s winter.

Time really passes quickly.

“Sure, let’s go. Tomorrow?”

_“Wait. You’re really down?”_

“Of course. I like Everland.”

Jongho is not particular to it, and neither is Yunho, but Jongho recognizes he’s trying to break out of his comfort zone, do things he wouldn’t otherwise have.

It’s a coping mechanism, but as far as coping mechanisms go, a fun day trip at an amusement park with your best friend isn’t too bad.

So this is how Jongho finds himself in front of his apartment at 8 AM on a Saturday morning, slightly chilly in his coat, waiting for Yunho to pick him up. When the black Mercedes pulls up, Jongho opens the passenger door to Yunho’s smile from the driver’s seat.

He looks… Jongho has to blink once, twice to wake himself up. Maybe he’s dreaming. He’s sure this Yunho has indeed appeared once or twice in his dreams, with his fluffy black hair, white shirt, and his favorite denim jacket; in the driver’s seat of his luxury car, picking Jongho up.

How can people not be at least a little in love with him? Jongho will _really_ never know.

“Good morning. I have coffee,” Yunho greets, pointing at the iced Americano in the cupholder between their seats, next to another one of Yunho’s concoctions.

“You’re a blessing,” Jongho groans, his first sip of the cold coffee bleeding pure energy into his veins.

As the passenger, Jongho gets to connect his own phone to the car’s audio system, and for Yunho’s sake, he chooses not to play the ballads he usually does on the way to work. He chooses songs Yunho likes, slips some girl groups in between, and lets the music fill the comfortable silence.

“I thought we’d stop for breakfast first,” Yunho turns to him at a red light, “are you down?”

“Of course. I’m starving.”

“Thought you wouldn’t have eaten first,” Yunho grins, Jongho’s head turning to him from the headrest.

“You didn’t either,” Jongho points out, knowing Yunho isn’t the morning person he pretends to be.

“Valid.”

Between the two of them, Jongho doesn’t feel the need to make conversation. He can just enjoy the moments as they come, the buildings of Seoul breezing past them, the music background to the relaxed, open mood of the morning. Jongho looks forward to spending this day with Yunho, and it feels obvious in the space between them. That it will be a nice day.

Yunho is clearly in a good mood too, subtly bobbing his head to the rhythm of the music, his shoulders slightly shifting with the beat. It’s one of Jongho’s favorite habits of his, the way music takes over him in any moment or place they are in, and his body reacts instinctually to move, to dance. He knows Yunho is freestyling in his head without even being conscious of it, eyes on the road and body subtly moving.

He turns his head to Jongho at a red light for a second, meeting Jongho’s own eyes which were so obviously on him, lips pursed and a soft smile tugging at them. After he turns his attention back to the road, Jongho suddenly feels a weight on his thigh.

_Oh._

Yunho’s fingers drum the beat of the music in the space above his knee; Jongho breathes in, but it’s shaky and hesitant.

The hand stays on his thigh, warm and _there,_ until he parks in the lot of the rest stop. Jongho finally feels like his lungs can take air in again, his thigh burning where Yunho’s hand was when he takes it off; his brain fights the primal desire to have it on him again but it fails pitifully, and he can’t stop the barrage of thoughts he’s been tried to bury since he stepped in his car and saw him holding on to the steering wheel: of Yunho’s hands on him, running up on his thigh, tugging at him, working him open in the driver’s seat of his car…

“You good?”

“Mhm. I’m fine. Let’s go eat,” Jongho says, calm, and opens the car door, stepping out onto the pavement. The thoughts get wrestled behind that massive wall in his brain he’s built up, to be brought up later. If he’s going to survive this day with Yunho, he needs to get himself together.

Instead of a restaurant, they pick out a variety of snacks and take them to the wooden tables to the side of the parking lot. Jongho is just about to take the first bite of his sugar-covered, ketchup-dipped corndog when Yunho turns his eyes to him.

“Why’d you agree to come with me?”

Jongho takes the bite anyway, to give himself time to figure out the answer.

“Because it’s fun. Why wouldn’t I have? Did you not want me to?”

“Of course I did. I wouldn’t have asked otherwise. I just… I feel like I’ve been taking up too much of your time.”

“Why do you think so?”

“I mean, you haven’t hung out with everyone else in a while. These past two months, we’ve gone out with them like what, three, four times?”

“You haven’t either,” Jongho points out, mouth full of the delicious corndog. He steals a bite of Yunho’s kimbap too, watching as Yunho takes a piece himself, absentmindedly.

“Yeah, but… it’s my fault.”

“Hyung, stop overthinking,” Jongho looks at Yunho, pushing his kimbap closer to him. Yunho needs to eat. “I enjoy spending time with you, and I’ve been having a lot of fun. If I want to go out with everyone else, I will.”

Yunho seems to be at least somehow reassured by Jongho’s words, by how he goes back to his food. Jongho keeps his eyes on him for just a little bit more.

“Viking ship next?” Yunho asks with an excited grin as they come down from a rollercoaster that turned Jongho’s stomach a thousand ways. Jongho groans in response, hands on his knees and bent over to recover his breath. Yunho is a _demon._

“I think that if I go on one more thing in the next few minutes I will throw up.” Jongho likes rollercoasters, but the speed Yunho has pulled him along them in the past hour is a little too much even for him.

“Okay, how about we take a walk first then?” Yunho pulls out the little map they got at the entrance, pointing out a little alternative road that also leads, of course, to the Viking ship. Jongho would complain, but he knows that road, and it has food, and a few smaller games, and maybe he can distract Yunho long enough to feel like a human being again.

“Sounds good.”

“Great!” Yunho pulls at the bear headband on his head, checking if it’s still in place. Jongho instinctually does the same for his own, fixing it better, smoothing out the round ears. _It’s cute._ The headband is cute, but seeing it on a grinning Yunho, in his white shirt and oversized denim jacket, the way he had put one on his head and given another one to Jongho so they matched right after walking into the park…

Well, it’s maybe just a little too much for Jongho’s heart.

He walks ahead, waiting for Yunho to fall into step with him as they set out on the sidetracked path. It’s eons more peaceful than the rest of the park, narrower and framed by thick, blooming trees. Yunho wraps his arm around Jongho’s like they’re at a ball instead of an amusement park; the sound of his voice commenting on the small things he notices, the unique tree shape, the way the loudness of the park feels almost muffled here, is so calm, so _beautiful._ Warmth, a feeling of happiness so intense alights in Jongho’s chest; he squeezes Yunho’s arm tighter in the crook of his elbow.

In the clearing of the path, Yunho insists on getting them cotton candy and a drink first, but right after, he pulls Jongho to the opposite side, where two girls are manning a booth with one of those dexterity games. It’s the game with the six stacked cups; Jongho figures he has to topple them all. Yunho makes to reach for his wallet, but Jongho holds his wrist, taking out his own from the pocket of his own coat.

“Can I have one round, please?” He hands 2,000 won to one of the girls, and gets the three balls from her. They’re not that heavy, and looking at the cups, he sees how far apart the ones on the bottom are; if he hits the center bottom one he has the chance to not topple the other two to the side if he fails to hit them with the next two balls. So he aims at the bottom of one on the second row, and throws.

Four of the six cups topple with a gasp from the girls and a delighted laugh from Yunho bringing out a smirk on Jongho’s lips. The other two cups on the bottom topple easily when Jongho aims a ball between them, bouncing harshly off the wooden back of the booth. The girls clap in congratulations and surprise, showing him the section with the biggest plushies to choose from.

Jongho elbows Yunho in the side. “You choose,” the words come out low, almost embarrassed, and Yunho only laughs in delight, putting a hand on Jongho’s bicep for a fleeting moment in thank you.

He chooses a huge Rilakkuma plushie with a pink cape and pink ears, and it’s so big it looks massive even in Yunho’s arms, next to his tall frame. Jongho’s ears redden in embarrassment; he wanted to win it for him, but now Yunho has to carry it around all day and Jongho has to remember how _obvious_ he was and see how excited, how cute Yunho looks holding it.

“Thanks,” he grins to Jongho, bouncing along on the path, and Jongho hears the girls behind them whisper as they move along. He’s more than obvious; his crush on Yunho is probably so plain to see it’s like it’s written on his forehead in permanent, intense black marker.

_This man is head over heels for Jeong Yunho._

Jongho reflexively scrubs at his forehead, shaking his head, and falls back into step with Yunho.

When they finally stop to get a late lunch at the restaurant in the park, so late it’s almost dinner, Yunho seats the plushie at the table with a grin, pressing its belly into the table so it stands up, and even puts his glass of water in front of it. “It must be thirsty. It’s been running around all day.”

Jongho resists the urge to drop his head on the table.

Stomach full, Yunho eases up on the intensity of the rides; at 5 PM, just as the sun is starting to hint towards setting, Yunho says he wants to go to one more place. Jongho doesn’t prod, lets Yunho do most of the directions as they walk, surrounded by the noises of the park; they’ve calmed a little bit recently, people having seemed to leave. Eventually, he gets where Yunho is leading them: the Ferris wheel.

“It’s closing soon for good, apparently,” Yunho comments as they place themselves in line. It doesn’t look to be too long, so they’ll probably head to the top right as the sun starts setting.

“Really? I’m glad we came then.”

“Me too.”

There are only a few people in line behind them, so Yunho and Jongho get ushered into one of the cabins by themselves; Jongho watches Yunho ask the person ushering them in something and getting a nod, but he doesn’t ask why. Yunho just sits across from him, placing the plushie next to himself, and their knees touch in the small space.

Right as the door closes, Yunho changes his mind, and comes to sit next to Jongho instead. Jongho sends him a questioning look, but Yunho just shakes his head.

“It won’t topple.”

And they start. Jongho’s gaze falls upon the park, the fall foliage incredibly beautiful in the setting sun. As they move slowly, so slowly up, he gets to take more in; the Viking ship, the T-Express, the rides they’ve been on all day; it’s quiet from here, but Jongho can still make out the memory of Yunho’s tinkling laugh vividly in his brain, separated from all the sounds around them, the perfect background to the colors surrounding them.

The park lights up as they are still moving up, and Jongho hears Yunho’s gasp from next to him. It’s…

Jongho is left speechless. It’s _so_ _beautiful._

He realizes it’s Yunho who says it only seconds after. His head automatically turns, seeing Yunho’s head turned to the opposite side; his profile stands out against the lights of the park.

And this? _This_ has to be the most beautiful sight Jongho’s ever seen.

All of a sudden, Yunho’s head turns to him, and meets Jongho’s eyes already on him. His smile shines against the lights of the park, the universe glinting in them; for that one second, the world disappears, andYunho’s eyes have all the answers.

Before he turns back to the view, and Jongho is left staring at the back of his black hair. Except… he definitely doesn’t expect the touch to his thigh taking him out of his thoughts, and Yunho’s hand suddenly in his after, tangling their fingers together.

He has to be kidding.

Except Yunho doesn’t laugh, _haha so funny,_ Jongho wants to say it for him, and doesn’t pull his hand away. He just keeps it there, on Jongho’s thigh, tight in his own. Jongho’s vision turns blurry to much more than that for a few seconds, tunnel vision on how their hands look together, the way Yunho has wrapped his fingers in his. 

Yunho doesn’t let go as the cabin starts heading down instead, Jongho trying take in more of the park and failing, as the cabin door opens, doesn’t let go as he pulls Jongho along in the now evening, alongside the lit-up attractions of the park. Jongho’s heart eventually calms down and he can finally enjoy it, the feeling of this thing that seems so much like a date not even Jongho can fool himself anymore; he’s with Yunho in one of the most romantic places, strolling around the colorful lights in comfortable silence, _holding hands._

Yunho doesn’t let go for even a second, even as they walk out of Everland and through the parking lot to his car.

When they finally reach the car and Yunho does let go, Jongho’s hand tingles from the memory of it. He’s exhausted down to his bones, and Yunho must be too, but his smile carried Jongho around all day, and it doesn’t waver even as they get in the car.

Yunho adorably buckles in the plushie in the back seat, still grinning as he gets in the driver’s seat and buckles his own seatbelt, turning around to Jongho. His grin softens to a gentle smile and Jongho is left speechless for a few seconds, a line of palpable _something_ between them. Jongho doesn’t dare ponder on it because his imagination is going places it shouldn’t again.

Just like when he was a freshman, and thought Yunho liked him back.

“This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”

“I... me too. Me too.”

“Hyung, I’m so sorry I’m late,” Jongho pants, the quick run from the gym making him realize how out of shape he’s become. He hasn’t seriously worked out in weeks now, constantly for maybe even more, for months.

“Don’t worry. Are you good? Let’s go in,” Yunho leads him into the Chinese restaurant with a hand on the middle of his back when Jongho nods. The food of this place is probably the best Chinese Jongho’s had in a while, and saliva pools in his mouth at the thought of the _tangsuyuk_ they have.

Sitting at a table, he can see Yunho’s slightly worried look when he rests his head in his palm though, looking at Jongho. “What?” Jongho asks, still trying to get his breath back.

“Nothing. Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I actually had to deal with a funny issue, which is why I was late.”

“What happened?” Yunho asks, stopping just to order their usual for the both of them. Jongho’s stomach grumbles when the word _jjampong_ is even mentioned he’s so hungry.

“So I was minding my business in the office, right? And all of a sudden, the employee at the front comes in and is like ‘You have to come to the front, there’s this crazy guy and he’s shouting and complaining, and we’re honestly kind of afraid.’ So I go, ready to deal with whatever massive issue there was, and right as I walk in, the guy walks to me, all threatening and whatever, and is like ‘Are you the owner of this place?’ I say ‘no, but I’m the one in charge right now,’ and he gets all up in my face, and is like… guess what his issue was.”

Yunho hums, grinning. “Dumbells were missing or something? The treadmill band broke and slapped him in the face?”

“No, but I would’ve _paid_ to see that. No, he _got indigestion_ from our _water.”_

Yunho almost spits out the water he just drank himself, turning to Jongho with a laugh. “You’re serious?”

“I’m dead serious. He came to me and was like ‘I went home after coming here and had to stay home for two days because it was that serious.’ I really wanted to ask how much of it he had spent on the toilet, but I think he would’ve hit me and I didn’t want to make a scene. I hate having to be professional,” he muses, smiling at the way Yunho can’t stop laughing.

“So what did you do?”

“I didn’t have time to say much, he was just like ‘I’m coming here this week with a water testing kit, and if I find anything the slightest bit off, I will _sue.’_ And then he left. _”_

“My god, that is priceless. I can’t believe it,” Yunho throws his head back, shaking his head to fix his hair when he brings his attention back to Jongho. “What are you gonna do then?”

“I called the people who do our plumbing and asked them to come in today to test it. As funny as it is, I don’t want a lawsuit on my hands.”

“That’s hilarious. I bet the guy had some bad kimchi or something and wanted to blame someone for it. That’s crazy, you wouldn’t think people like this exist.”

“Right?” Jongho opens the chopsticks and breaks them apart, filing them off against each other for splinters. Their food comes, everything wrong going on today suddenly forgotten when the steaming noodles are put in front of him.

“You made my day, I swear,” Yunho says with the remainders of a laugh, taking a bite of the _tangsuyuk._ Without sauce, like he likes his first piece; Jongho will never understand.

“I’m glad I could provide some enjoyment,” Jongho smiles at him in return, digging in right after. The hot, spicy _jjampong_ settles pleasantly in his stomach.

Jongho feels the phone vibrate in his pocket right as he enters Yunho’s apartment building, barely catching the elevator doors before they close. He’s dripping water everywhere, he genuinely feels bad for whoever has to clean up the mess him and others left in the hallways, but the rain caught him as much by surprise as everyone else.

He barely has to knock once for Yunho to open the door; he must’ve been waiting for Jongho.

“God, come in. I just called you, I didn’t know if the rain caught you.”

“Definitely did,” Jongho shrugs the coat from his frame; the rain seeped under it though, and his sweater and pants are soaked too. Walking was not a good decision.

“Do you want to take a shower? I can throw these in the laundry if you want, and you can borrow some of my clothes.”

“That would be great.”

“I’ll order us some food in the meantime if I can borrow your phone. My app’s been acting up.”

“Sure. I’ll give it to you in a second, I buried it under my clothes,” Jongho says and heads to his bathroom, going behind the door to start taking his wet clothes off. “I can put them in the laundry too, if you want—“

“No, it’s okay. Just give them to me.” When he’s done, Jongho hands Yunho his clothes, and his phone right after. Yunho shoves it in his face peeking from behind the door so it unlocks, and Jongho closes the door when Yunho pulls his hand away.

Yunho’s clothes, a simple shirt and sweatpants are folded on top of the toilet when Jongho gets out of the shower; he didn’t even hear him come in. Jongho puts them on and tries not to fixate on the way the sweatpants fall too long on him, how his shirt reaches almost to his thighs. It’s been so long since Jongho’s worn Yunho’s clothes, and the smell… the smell of fresh laundry that he always smells on Yunho…

Jongho shakes his head, padding out of the bathroom and into the living room where Yunho’s waiting on the couch with a blanket. Jongho came over to watch a movie Yunho wanted to see, and after the week’s had… he finally feels himself relax as he sits next to Yunho, draping half of the blanket over his frame.

This is his happy place.

“I got chicken and pizza, is that good? Paid by your card, I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure if you have cash and I didn’t have enough.”

“Both? You’re an angel. And no worries, that’s fine,” Jongho nods, pulling the blanket more to his neck. The room is warm but he’s still feeling cold down to his bones, even after the hot shower. The rain must’ve gotten to him.

After maybe half an hour into the movie, Yunho turns to him. “Are you cold? You’re shivering.”

“I am?” Jongho asks, and then notices that he indeed is.

“Come here,” Yunho pulls him into his side at the same time he moves closer, their sides touching.

Oh, this is _unfair._ Yunho putting a hand around him so Jongho can rest his head on his shoulder… he feels a different kind of warmth flood through him, from the inside, from his heart all the way to the tips of his fingers, to his heating ears.

He wishes he can say he knows what the movie is about, but honestly, he’s not convinced anymore. Yunho’s hand rests on Jongho’s bicep, fingers absentmindedly tracing small shapes over the shirt, and Jongho’s skin _burns_ where Yunho’s touching him. Everywhere, from their sides to his shoulders, to his cheek on his shoulder…

He’s warm, but there’s something else burning there, a desire to just…

Just…

Let go.

He wants to, he wants to _so bad_. He wants Yunho _so fucking bad_ , he wants him in _so many ways_ it _hurts,_ a physical craving that’s become so strong recently Jongho doesn’t know what to do with it.

When he looks up, he meets Yunho’s eyes. Silent in the dark room, illuminated only by the shifting colors of the TV. His heart stops in his chest. Maybe—

Soft lips touch his. So hesitant, so _barely there_ Jongho knows he’s imagining it…

Except he’s definitely not imagining Yunho’s gasp, and the startled eyes on his one second later. “Sorry! Oh my _god_ I am so sorry I really didn’t mean to, Jongho, I’m so sorry, I…”

 _“No,”_ Jongho interrupts Yunho with a hand on his chest, regretfully pulling away from him. “Please don’t say sorry,” he fists his fingers in Yunho’s shirt, keeps him there. Yunho’s expression looks like he’s halfway between fleeing and falling down to his knees to beg for Jongho’s forgiveness; in them, Jongho can also see surprise, disbelief, fear. And _that_ won’t do.

He wants to say something, but when it comes down to it, all he could say pales under the aching need.

“Just… Can I kiss you again?” Jongho whispers instead, trying to keep himself calm when his heart is almost beating out of his chest. Because he can’t expect Yunho to. Jongho’s had years to work through his feelings; Yunho hasn’t.

So he waits, patiently running a hand over Yunho’s bicep, trying to comfort him. It will be okay, no matter what he says. Yes or no. He’ll take it. Whatever Yunho wants. And yet, not even the rational part of his brain can keep at bay the anxious knot in his throat, the way his mouth goes dry waiting.

But then Yunho looks down at him. Really, really looks at him, even with that fear and uncertainty still swimming in his eyes. And he _nods._

Jongho’s hand lifts to his jaw, slow, barely there. “Are you sure?” He asks again, because the last thing he wants is for Yunho to regret any of this.

_“Yes.”_

If there’s something Jongho will never forget, it’s the tone of Yunho’s voice when he says it. It sounds like realization. To Jongho, it almost sounds like coming home after a long trip.

Jongho kisses him.

They land ungracefully on Yunho's bed, Jongho trapped under the weight of Yunho's body on top of his, his hands on both sides of Jongho's head. Jongho tastes the desperation like sugar on Yunho's tongue, driving him crazy with swipes of it over his and bites to Jongho's bottom lip.

They've done barely anything and Jongho is _aching for it,_ cock trapped painfully in his jeans. Just this much of Yunho's touches on him, the feeling of his strong thighs straddling his own, his arms trapping his head, has him so on the edge it's _embarrassing._

But it's Yunho. Jongho's dreamed about this moment for _years,_ dizzy with the thought that it's _happening_ now; he thinks he deserves some ground for not coming already when he felt Yunho’s lips on his for the first time.

Yunho swipes his lips to his jaw, dragging his teeth over the curve of his chin and down, down, over Jongho's Adam's apple. Jongho lets out an entirely embarrassing moan when Yunho's tongue licks over it, the vibration of his chuckle traveling straight down to his cock. His hands fist in Yunho's shirt, trying to hold on to something, keep his _sanity_ when Yunho is systematically taking apart every single inch of him.

He _only_ dreamed about this. Only in his filthiest, most forbidden dreams did he dare to really let the thoughts of Yunho's lips on his, Yunho's weight on him, Yunho's thighs flexing above his own unleashed; so now, faced with the present moment, with the sight of Yunho's flushed face, his dark eyes when he pulls back to look down at Jongho...

_"Hyung."_

"Jongho-ya..." Yunho moans, lips inches from Jongho's, eyelashes dropping; he can see the conflict in Yunho, how he's _afraid._

Jongho wills his crazy heart to calm down so he can look into Yunho’s eyes. “Hyung... what are you afraid of?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Yunho whispers in the space between their lips, uncertainty clear as day.

“You’re not hurting me. You could never do that to me, _please.”_

“Are you sure?” Jongho feels Yunho’s voice loaded with desire barely hold back; it tells Jongho he wants it. He wants it too, Jongho can tell by his touches, the way he just needs confirmation; he is just afraid for Jongho.

Well, he has no reason to.

"Hyung, come on," Jongho whispers, wrapping his arms around Yunho's neck, pulling him down to his lips. He _wants_ with an intensity so scorching that all he can think of is _more._ "Please touch me. _Please_ touch me, _hyung..."_ Jongho pleads, knowing, hoping, it will get to Yunho…

Yunho's jaw drops, his lip in his mouth right away as his eyes follow his hands down Jongho's body, over Yunho's too large shirt on his. Jongho feels their warmth, how they sneak under his shirt and press over the skin on Jongho's stomach, over his navel, exploring, _hesitant._

"Please..."

Yunho bends down to steal his lips in a deep kiss, their hard inhales echoing against one another. "What do you want? What do you want, Jongho-ya?" Yunho whispers against his mouth, his hands maddeningly slow to push Jongho’s shirt up to his collarbones.

"Whatever. I don't care, just..."

"Touch you?" Yunho's lips travel over his cheek to reach his ear, teeth biting the lobe and the piercing in it, drawing a moan out of Jongho. "Where?"

_"Anywhere."_

"Yeah?" Yunho whispers in his ear. _Oh god._ Need burns in his words and yet he’s holding back; Jongho’s going to go _mad._ Not even in his wildest dreams did he imagine himself being so desperate for this, and Yunho being so infuriatingly slow to act, to do something. “Can we... how far do you want to go?”

“As far as you want. Whatever you want,” Jongho whispers to Yunho above him. He wants it _all,_ he’s wanted it all for so long that he doesn’t know who he is without the feeling of wanting Yunho all the time. Yunho needs to _get it._

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, hyung. I’m more than sure. _I want you.”_

That seems to spur Yunho on, give him some confidence, by how his hands trail up Jongho’s body, pulling it over his head and throwing it to the floor. Jongho lets Yunho kiss him, breaking apart to pull Yunho’s own shirt off; Yunho’s naked chest on his makes thoughts fly out of Jongho’s head, desperately pulling at the string of Yunho’s sweatpants. He wants them _off,_ he wants to see all of Yunho, feel all of Yunho on him.

Thankfully, Yunho gets the hint and sits up to drop them down his legs, awkwardly pull them off until he’s in his boxers; when he settles down on Jongho again, their crotches align, driving Jongho’s brain to mush when Yunho grinds his hips down on his and he _feels it._

“I thought about it,” Yunho comes to whisper in his ear, “I realized I forgot to give you underwear just after you came out of the shower, when you sat on the couch next to me. I thought of how easy it would be to just drop to my knees right there, take you into my mouth.”

_Holy fuck._

“Is that bad of me?”

_Holy. Fuck._

Hearing _Yunho_ say something like this, knowing the thoughts in his head are… well, what he’s _always_ felt about him…

“Hyung, _come on.”_

“What do you want?”

“I want you…” Jongho hesitates, but _fuck it._ He throws it all to the wind. If he’s going to get Yunho only once, he wants to make it something he’ll _remember._ “Can we go all the way? I’ve wanted you inside me forever.”

Yunho’s pitched moan in his ear tells him that he said the right thing. “Are you _sure?”_

Jongho pulls Yunho back, to be able to _really_ look at him. “If you ask that one more time, I swear…”

“Okay, I get it. You’re impatient, aren’t you?” Damn _right_ Jongho is. He’s been patient for _six years_ , it’s been a long time.

After Yunho extends to grab the lube and condoms out of his nightstand, Jongho stands up to help take off his own pants, and Yunho’s underwear all at once.

And then he stops. For just _one_ second, because he wants to commit the sight to memory. The sight of Yunho naked on top of him, eagerly drinking him down with his eyes, like he _can’t hold back._ Like he really wants Jongho.

Because after he can’t hold back for much longer, spurring Yunho along with a hand on the back of his neck and insistent kisses to his mouth. There’s no finesse to how his legs open to accommodate Yunho, the cold, lubed hand suddenly on his cock making him _hiss._

“Sorry. It’s just…”

“No, keep going. It feels good,” Jongho moans, allowing himself to throw his head back, really take in the feeling of the thing he’s wanted most: Yunho’s hands on him, teasing him, _in him._

Yunho is _slow_ despite the heat of the moment, the desperation, the franticness Jongho feels tugging at him; he’s out of his mind with pleasure, probably because he couldn’t bear this if he didn’t let go, but Yunho is so good at distracting: kisses up his neck, to his lips, Yunho slides his tongue in his mouth and tugs at his cock so Jongho can only focus on the _feeling_. He’s so thorough, maddeningly slow, one, two, three long fingers sliding inside Jongho.

“Good?”

“ _So good_ , hyung…” Jongho dares look at him, catches Yunho’s heated look staring into his own eyes.

_Fuck._

It’s Jongho who prods Yunho to _finally,_ finally fuck him because he feels like he will catch fire if he doesn’t— and Yunho obeys, tugging his chin up with a knuckle so Jongho looks only into his eyes.

Only at Yunho— only at him. Jongho shivers as Yunho enters him inch by maddening inch; Jongho’s legs around his waist, Yunho stares him down like he too wants to consume the moment for all that it’s worth. Jongho feels himself melt away, become small, _so small_ under the weight of Yunho’s eyes.

“Hyung... _hyung, please…”_

“Are you okay? Am I hurting you?”

“No, no, it feels so good. Just… give me a second,” Jongho whispers, moaning as Yunho bends down to kiss him and he shifts inside Jongho, pushing his legs up, getting him even _deeper._

Jongho’s eyes close of their own accord because he feels _so full—_ his hands desperately wrap in Yunho’s hair, sliding his lips over his; Yunho is _so_ patient, so slow with him that Jongho feels his heart twist from the gentle hands over his sides, the way Yunho swallows his small noises with his mouth, hard breaths of his own. Jongho _feels_ Yunho’s small movements inside him when he moves his lips to his jaw to mouth at the skin and shivers at the way he’s holding back. For Jongho.

Until Jongho finally prods him to move, and Yunho does in slow thrusts of his hips, coupled with tugs at Jongho’s cock that build up the pleasure so quickly it’s embarrassing. He’s not going to last long, that’s for sure, not when it’s Yunho. Yunho kisses him again, like he can’t bear to separate from him, and Jongho understands because he doesn’t feel like he can either.

The kiss lasts for so long that Jongho finally feels like he can get his mind back for a little, back from the frenzied state it had been in, so he can really _enjoy it._ He revels in how Yunho seems to know to give him time, how it feels like he’s looking at him, really looking. When he’ll get back to himself, he knows he’ll look back at this moment and repeat it in his head until he’s going to go _mad._

“Does it feel good?” Yunho prods, nosing at his cheek, and Jongho nods.

“ _Yes. Yesyesyes—“_ Jongho moans at one of Yunho’s slow thrusts, so deep Jongho feels it _everywhere._ “It feels _so good.”_

“Yes?”

“Yes, _more.”_

And again Yunho obeys, fucking him a little quicker, a little more pointed, sliding over his spot with every thrust. God, if he only _knew_ this is how Yunho would feel…

“I’m not going to last long, god,” Yunho moans in his neck, Jongho quickly nodding at his pained words because _same._ He’s been on the edge of tipping over for so long he barely needs just a little more, just a little push…

“Same. Same, just…” Yunho quickens his thrusts just a little, pulling out a little more, so he slides over Jongho’s spot.

Like Yunho knows, his tongue flicks over Jongho’s mole, probably sucking a little mark in— and that’s all Jongho needs to _let go_ , pleasure more intense than he’s ever felt _breaking him apart._ His orgasm hits him harder than anything else, until he’s trembling under Yunho— he feels Yunho come in the condom too, deep inside him, and the knowledge that he’s done that…

A tear slips from his eye and to the left, burying itself in the pillow— from how Yunho feels inside him, the mindblowing orgasm, Yunho’s body on top of his; the knowledge that _finally_ he has Yunho like he’s always wanted to.

But does he?

It’s a lot, too much, definitely too much— Yunho holding him now, everywhere on top of him, around him, _in him;_ and he’s wanted this forever, but…

“Are you okay?” Yunho asks, alarmed whispers above Jongho, swiping gently at his eye.

“I’m okay. I’m really okay. I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s with me,” Jongho reassures him with hands around his neck, pulling him down for a kiss. He moans when Yunho pulls out, the feeling so strange but so good at the same time. He can feel the pressure on his back, the soreness; strangely enough, he’s always enjoyed this part.

Especially after Yunho helps clean them up, tugs his own underwear and a shirt and helps Jongho do the same, and then joins him back in bed, a hand on his hip comforting, tracing patterns on his side.

Sated and comfortable, Jongho feels the threads of his mind stitch themselves back together. He expects to find regret, embarrassment over how easily he let go, how desperate he was, and there is some but very little; he’s never showed this side of himself to anyone in any circumstance, but it makes sense that it’s Yunho who got to pull it out of him. And it also makes sense that it’s Yunho’s presence that makes Jongho not freak out right now.

The look in Yunho’s eyes while they find something to say helps, because he sees no judgment. Perhaps a little bit of insecurity, maybe guilt; Yunho clearly blames himself, opening his mouth, finding his words.

“I don’t want you to be a rebound, or think you are one, like—”

“I don’t care. I’ll be whatever you want me to be,” Jongho interrupts, determinedly. He’s had years to work through his feelings, again, and he knows what he wants. And now that he knows Yunho wants him too… “I don’t care. I know I’ll be able to keep you next to me.”

“You’ve always been so determined.” With a low chuckle, Yunho works a hand through his hair, tucking it uselessly behind his ear, smiling when it falls back. “Even so… will you give me a while? So we can do this properly.”

Jongho nods without even a thought. More than anything, he wants Yunho to be happy. And if more time is what can help him, Jongho will wait.

He’s waited for six years. He can wait a while more.

“Can we still hang out though? Or… do you want me…?” Jongho asks, fiddling with Yunho’s shirt. “I kind of started liking that Chinese place near your studio.”

“Please,” Yunho nods. “I don’t know what I’d do without your constant complaints of steroid-pumped and half-naked annoying customers. I’ll die, really,” Yunho grins, and Jongho hits his chest, huffing when Yunho lets out a pained _ouch_ amongst his laughter.

Serves him right. Jongho confided in him in all secrecy and seriousness.

They fall silent. Yunho’s still smiling, his fingers twisting into strands of Jongho’s hair, silently observing. Jongho bites his bottom lip in his mouth, Yunho’s gaze on him raising goosebumps on the back of his neck. It’s not really registered yet, that this happened. When it does, Jongho will probably freak the _fuck_ out.

He lets go of his lip. Not now though. Yunho’s gaze falls slightly down, and Jongho observes the minute movement of his tongue darting out between his lips, leaving them shiny.

Jongho wants something tangible to remember, at least.

“Kiss me, hyung.”

Yunho does. Intense but slow, a hand in Jongho’s hair gripping the back of his neck, the other on the small of Jongho’s back, pulling him closer, further into him. Jongho grips Yunho’s shirt and _drowns,_ slipping his tongue in Yunho’s mouth and exploring like it’s the first time.

It surely feels like it is, by the butterflies in Jongho’s stomach.

He’s breathless when Yunho pulls away, their lips letting go with a loud separating sound. Jongho’s own are aching, red from the way Yunho likes to _bite._ Yunho rests his forehead on Jongho’s and Jongho feels the warmth of his hard breath on his lips, his own ringing in his ears; feels their breaths intermingle in the almost nonexistent space.

He can’t get enough, he’ll _never_ be able to get enough. He kisses him once more, twice more because the taste of Yunho’s lips is addictive, and his hands on Jongho’s hips as Jongho swings a leg over both of his thighs are even more so.

“Jongho…” Yunho says, eyes closed like he’s trying to control himself, blush high on his cheeks, but he’s the one to arch Jongho’s back down so he can feel him even closer. Jongho rests his elbows on both sides of Yunho’s head, letting out a moan as Yunho’s hands slide down and his lips are captured in a kiss once more.

Jongho could’ve never been ready for the way Yunho kisses, like he wants to take Jongho apart, explore him bit by bit until there’s nothing left hidden in him.

Some messed up part of his mind wonders if he kissed Hongjoong like this too. Because if he did, how did Hongjoong ever let go of him? How did he resist surrendering everything he had to him, giving himself completely away?

Yunho pulls away, noses at Jongho’s cheek. Jongho grabs his pillow with both hands, twists it tight in his grip when he feels the tickle of Yunho’s eyelashes on his cheekbones as he moves down. He loves Yunho _so fucking much._

Yunho noses at his jaw, under it, placing kisses on the marks he left on Jongho’s neck just a while ago with the softest touch of his lips. His touch travels down Jongho’s body and straight to his cock; Yunho’s found his biggest thing in the space of one evening, and Jongho is helpless to the glide of Yunho’s tongue over his mole, the drag of his teeth over the marks _he_ left before.

 _“Hyung…”_ he moans after a particularly heavy kiss, and Yunho pulls back with a heady gaze, looking straight into Jongho’s eyes.

Yunho fucks him again, on their sides this time, one arm under Jongho’s head and another one over his stomach, slowly pulling Jongho back on him. This time, Jongho can really focus on it, on him, much more than the thoughts that didn’t leave his brain before.

His hand latches itself tightly in Yunho’s hair, twisted almost uncomfortably to the back but he couldn’t care, and he moans when Yunho kisses the back of his neck after a deep thrust. He hears Yunho’s hard breath right in his ear and it’s so _intimate;_ he is so close, all the way around Jongho, enveloping him _,_ tilting his head back with the hand under Jongho’s head so he can kiss him, pecks falling on the corner of his mouth, Yunho’s hand on his chest pressing him back on him like they’re not already touching everywhere.

Yunho is _making love_ to him, and Jongho comes with a silent moan when he realizes. Yunho touches him through it, slow drags of his hand on Jongho’s cock until he’s done and spent and shaking. But he eagerly pushes back even while his thighs tremble, telling him to take it, take whatever he needs from him.

He lets out a heavy breath when he feels Yunho come deep inside of him, even through the condom. His hand tightens on Jongho’s stomach; Jongho bends his head back as much as he can, swallowing Yunho’s moans like they’re sustenance. He’s _so deep_ Jongho feels him everywhere, and he doesn’t know how he’ll survive without this anymore, knowing how Yunho grabs him _tight_ when he comes.

Yunho pulls out and Jongho feels _so empty_ , body and soul; like he knows, Yunho quickly gets rid of the condom in the trash next to his bed and joins him back in bed again, facing Jongho this time and eagerly pulling him in. Yunho kisses him, still intense, still eager.

Jongho is in _so deep,_ he’s _so_ gone for Yunho it’s not funny anymore.

It’s never been, really, but now? Now Jongho realizes he has really fallen _hard,_ and he can’t really see a way to wait out his crush.

All he can do is hope he’ll be caught at the bottom.

The next time Jongho sees Hongjoong, a few weeks after he starts… well, whatever he and Yunho have, he’s with someone Jongho doesn’t know. They’re passing by the coffee shop Jongho is in, waiting for his friends to come by after work.

He doesn’t hate Hongjoong. He hasn’t hated him the whole time he strung Yunho along because he thinks Hongjoong himself didn’t know, and not all relationships are meant to be. It would be stupid to hate Hongjoong for not wanting to get stuck in a relationship he doesn’t want to be in. He respects Hongjoong for ending it; and unlike his friends, he respects him for the choices he’s made, because Jongho gets it.

He wishes he could make the same choices, to a degree; give it all up for something he loves.

But even still… even still, seeing him hold hands with someone else while Yunho is clearly still unable to move on, still hurting after months… it kind of hurts. Because Hongjoong still has some better piece of Yunho’s heart, and Jongho is here, unable to do much but wait for Yunho to feel like he has it back.

He’s selfish. He is because he already gets more than he ever thought he would. He gets lunches with Yunho, coffee shop almost dates, dinner at his place, walks in the park. He gets to be in Yunho’s bed sometimes, when they both don’t really feel like playing the waiting game anymore for a bit, and he can fall asleep in his arms with the memory of Yunho on him, in him.

But it almost hurts more to have so much, and yet not have it all. To have to hold back, quantify, understand, analyze, rationalize moods, how much he can give and how much he can take for them to be alright, to not push or take too much from Yunho.

He doesn’t blame Yunho. He doesn’t blame Hongjoong, and he doesn’t blame himself either. It’s just a messed up situation.

“Hi, Jongho-ya,” San says, sitting down next to him, ruffling his hair. The rest of his friends take the other seats around the table.

“Did you have a fun night?” Wooyoung grins from his other side, jabbing a finger against a hickey that must be peeking out of his shirt collar, watching as Yeosang laughs.

Jongho meets Yunho’s eyes. He wants to go and scream it from the rooftops, that _it’s Yunho! Yunho likes him back! Yunho did this to him! He knows how Yunho’s lips taste like, how Yunho’s hands feel like in his, the weight of Yunho on top of him…_

But he can’t. Jongho doesn’t blame anyone, and he rarely thinks about it, but it hurts nonetheless.

_‘Hyung I’m so sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to come today. I have so many things to file and will probably need to stay over tonight too so I wanna get as much as possible done, I’m sorry.’_

At a bit after 6 PM, Jongho hears knocking on his door, and answers with a grunt. He doesn’t stop looking over the paper he’s examining, punching numbers into the calculator on his phone. It’s not working, and he’s about to hit his head on his desk out of frustration when his door opens, and a head pops in. He expects one of his employees so he doesn’t look up when the steps quietly make his way to his desk. Until a cup of coffee appears in front of his eyes, blocking his view.

When he looks up, Yunho is smiling down at him. Jongho promptly decides he’s an angel.

Groaning, he lays back on his chair, stretching his arms up before he picks up the coffee. Yunho has his own, is drinking something overly sweet again, most likely; Jongho was never able to convince him of the merits of a straight-up, reliable iced Americano, but that’s something he’ll accept. For his sake.

“Are you okay?” Yunho asks after Jongho has taken a good sip of his coffee, shaking his head around the straw.

“Kind of. I’ve been working on these since yesterday, thought they’d be done but ran into some issues and they’re not.”

“Want a hug?”

Jongho looks up at Yunho, eyes wide. Usually that’d be the last thing on his comfort list, a hug, but it’s _Yunho._ Yunho’s arms wrapped around him, the way he smells fresh and clean and comforting all at the same time, the way that Jongho can bury his head in his neck...

He nods, and Yunho makes his way around his desk, pulling Jongho up by the hand he stretches out and in his arms.

Yunho’s hugs might be how heaven feels like; he knows how to envelop you in his arms and squeeze just the right amount. He’s soft and comfortable, Jongho rests his head on the sweater on top of his button-up and lets himself breathe.

When he pulls away, his hands fisted in Yunho’s sweater, he finds Yunho looking down at him.

_Damn._

Damn, he’s so...

His breath gets stolen from his chest; there are lips on his and hands pressing up, heavy under his shirt. Jongho doesn’t know who moved in, if it was him or if it was Yunho, but it doesn’t matter when Yunho’s tongue is in his mouth, licking behind his teeth.

“We’re not too good at this waiting thing, are we?” Yunho whispers as they break apart and Jongho falls to his knees, almost ripping away his shirt and sweater in the haste to unbutton his belt buckle and undo his zipper, rushing to pull his pants down to his knees. He quickly stops laughing when Jongho cups his cock through his underwear, mouthing at his thighs and up.

He’d tease him more, but really Jongho is in no mood to wait, pulling Yunho free from his underwear and taking his half-hard cock in his mouth as much as he can. He never thought he’d get to feel this, but he can, he can imagine the heat replacing the smile on Yunho’s face even without looking up at him, in the way Yunho hardens in his mouth, in the hand that lays on the back of his head, gentle but unequivocally _there._ Yunho’s quiet, Jongho’s gotten to learn, so it makes it so much sweeter when Jongho can wrench a moan out of him, quiet as it is, mindful of where they are.

The litany of Jongho’s name, whispered under Yunho’s breath, tells Jongho he’s close; he takes him deeper, bobs his head along with the hand on the base of his cock, pressing Yunho to his desk by his hip. The hand on the back of his head fists in his hair; Jongho can’t hold back a moan of its own because _yes_ , and he barely hears the cut-off warning and when he keeps going, Yunho’s come on his tongue.

Jongho never used to swallow. Jongho never used to like sucking dick at all, in all honesty, preferred fingering people or eating them out to anything else, but now? He could die happy if the last thing he gets to have is Yunho in his mouth.

Yunho drops to his knees to kiss him, frantic and eager, before Jongho can even fully finish the thought.

“You’re so…” Yunho whispers in his mouth, cutting himself off with a kiss to Jongho’s lips like he couldn’t even bear finishing the sentence. He pulls Jongho up, sits him on his chair and kneels in front of him, pulling his pants down with an eagerness that mirrors Jongho’s.

Jongho doesn’t look down. He doesn’t think he can look down and watch Yunho between his legs. He might break down, might come even before Yunho gets him in his mouth. His head tipped back, he breathes through Yunho unbuttoning his pants, dragging his zipper down alongside his boxers. Jongho sits back down on the chair, bare ass and all, and prays to the gods to last more than one minute.

“Look at me,” Yunho asks. Jongho does right away, and gets blessed with the visual of Yunho looking straight into his eyes as he slowly takes the tip of his cock in his mouth.

Jongho’s broken _hyung_ echoes around his office; fuck who might hear, Jongho is about to ascend to heaven by means of Yunho’s tongue teasing at the slit of his cock, under his head, before he moves down. Jongho grabs the arms of the chair in desperation, tightening his fingers around them; he’s pretty sure he hears a snap but he couldn’t care less, daring to watch again as Yunho moves his head on him, intense and determined.

Not even the knowledge that Yunho’s probably learned this with Hongjoong can damper anything about this; Yunho’s on his knees in front of _him,_ in front of Jongho now, and the awful, possessive thought is so powerful it builds the heat in his stomach.

Maybe he’ll ponder about it later, about how turned on that thought made him, but now he comes down Yunho’s throat with a series of grunts and desperate whispers of _hyung,_ _Yunho-hyung_ , thighs trembling before Yunho has mercy and lets his cock out of his mouth. Tipping back on his heels, mouth open and a self-satisfied smile on his face, blush high on his cheekbones, Yunho looks...

Is he serious? Is he really serious?

Jongho pulls Yunho up, pushing him back against his desk to kiss the air out of him. The sheer adoration running through him and the knowledge that Yunho might feel the same about him? It’s a rush unlike anything Jongho has ever felt.

They dress back up, and only then does Jongho take in the ruined state of his desk, the strewn papers all around it and the floor.

Well…

“Come on. Let’s clean up,” Yunho claps his hands and gets to work, helping Jongho pick up the papers. “What were you working on?”

“Just some taxes and expenses for this year. I think there are some gaps, but I can’t find them and I’m slowly going insane.”

Yunho looks at him like he’s grown three heads; Jongho has gotten more used to complaining in front of Yunho, opening up, but even still, these are not things he usually says easily.

“And you never thought to tell me? I have an accounting degree, you know?”

“I know, but… you’re busy with the studio, and I didn’t want to be a bother.”

“Come here,” Yunho tugs the papers out of Jongho’s hand and spreads them on the floor in front of him, patting the space next to himself. Obediently, Jongho sits.

They’re done by 11 PM. Jongho was so ready to have to deal with this for a few more nights at least, but Yunho’s knack for numbers and his organizational skills are like nothing else.

“I am going to buy you so much dinner for this,” Jongho says in awe, stretching his arms; sitting on the floor didn’t do too much good for his back and for his joints, but he’s done. _He’s done._

“How about tonight then?”

“Huh?”

“Come over. And let’s get some chicken on the way.”

Jongho stares at Yunho like he’s grown two more heads.

“Come on,” Yunho beckons him up, and Jongho lets himself be pulled up by his hand. It’s Friday; Jongho doesn’t have to be here tomorrow, and… that’s kind of a nice thought.

The chicken shop is not too busy, but considering the heavy rain outside, Jongho is not surprised. He and Yunho take an empty table near the register and wait for their takeout to be done; Yunho’s always a ray of sunshine, and Jongho is in an especially good mood because they got everything he needed done, plus the glow of a good orgasm, so he’s laughing earnestly at Yunho’s ridiculous stories. The bell to the store rings out but entranced by Yunho, Jongho doesn’t look up until two shadows fall upon their table and he sees Mingi and San staring down at them.

“Hello,” Yunho says with a smile, and Jongho nods in their direction.

“Nice to see you here,” San says without preamble, sitting down next to Jongho. Mingi takes the other seat next to Yunho; Jongho doesn’t know how to say that they’re not staying.

It turns out he doesn’t have to, because the server comes to them with their chicken in a bag, placing it down on the table. “Will you be staying? If yes, I can move this to a plate.”

“No need, thank you,” Yunho shakes his head before Jongho can say anything. He can almost feel the weight of San’s questioning gaze on him; they’re in a chicken store at 11 PM, buying takeout together.

“Are you going home?” Mingi asks Yunho, and Yunho nods. Jongho gets up with him, looking down at Mingi and San at the table, their curious gazes.

“Yeah, sorry. Exhausted, long day. See you guys around?” Yunho waves, and Jongho says goodbye, following him out of the restaurant.

The elephant in the room stays unaddressed.

“That was smooth.”

“Yeah, I know, but I really didn’t feel like making conversation tonight. I just kind of want to cuddle you and go to sleep.” Yunho’s looking at him while he says it, like it’s nothing, the _audacity,_ and Jongho feels the blush rising to his cheeks, his ears turning red.

Yunho makes good on his word. He lets Jongho shower, lends him a pair of sweatpants and a shirt, again too big on Jongho, which make him feel so many ways. Yunho chuckles when Jongho gets into his bed, his arm draping over him, tugging at the too-large-shirt on his figure. Jongho glares at him because Yunho _can’t_ make him feel like this and expect Jongho not to _lose it._

When Jongho turns to face him, on his side, Yunho puts a hand under his own cheek and bites his lip, whispering in the space between them. “I’m sorry if I messed up today. I want to be better at waiting. I don’t want to string you along.”

Jongho shakes his head. “I told you, I’ll be whatever you want me to be. I’ll wait until you’re really ready, but I also don’t mind doing this in the meantime. This, whatever it is.”

“Why don’t you? I’m a mess right now, Jongho, you don’t deserve this. I think you should give more time, I…” Yunho’s gaze turns distressed in a second, and Jongho desperately wants to reach out, to comfort him. “I... just can’t take him out of my head.”

“I know,” Jongho nods, and selfishly, _oh so selfishly_ asks the question he wants to ask, despite knowing he doesn’t want to hear the answer. “Do you think about him when you’re with me?”

Yunho’s eyebrows drop. “Sometimes.” Jongho exhales. His hand reaches out, tangling Yunho’s fingers in his. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Jongho shakes his head. “I want you to be honest with me more than anything else.” He takes a break, and dares ask the second question. “Am I helping?”

“Yeah,” Yunho nods, his glossy eyes staring into Jongho’s. “You are.”

“Then that’s enough for me.”

“Why, Jongho?” Yunho’s low tone sounds almost disappointed in himself.Jongho caresses the back of his hand with his thumb.

“I’ve loved you long before Hongjoong-hyung. I want to love you for much longer after too.”

Silence.

Yunho wraps his arms around Jongho and pulls him into his chest. Jongho’s nose presses to his neck, his own arms wrapping around Yunho, the comforting scent of fresh laundry and Yunho’s everpresent scent drifting up his nose. It’s comforting.

Yunho makes good on his word. Jongho hears his breathing even, his own back to Yunho’s chest, arms wrapped around him until he too drifts off, warm and comfortable.

“Ooh, he lives!” Cheers and applause welcome Jongho to his friends’ table, like he’s won something, not just bothered to come out of his house for more than work. He’d hit them, but they’re all his hyungs, and he wouldn’t want to _accidentally_ break anything.

A glass of soju gets placed in front of him right as he sits down, and he downs it before even thinking of anything else after his friends cheer.

Now he feels better.

“What are you up to?” San elbows him gently when everybody’s attention is mostly somewhere else.

“Mmm, just the usual. Work and home.”

“You’ve been pretty absent recently.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“No, you don’t need to apologize,” San shakes his head. “I was just worried about you a little. You’ve been answering less in the group chat too over the past months.”

“You don’t need to worry about me, hyung. I’m fine.”

“You know that won’t stop me,” San’s eyes are heavy on Jongho’s, like he’s trying to take him apart. He knows he’s worried.

Maybe Jongho is a little worried himself.

“Can I talk to you outside for a bit?”

“Sure,” and San discreetly gets up without drawing attention to himself. Jongho follows, even though he feels Yunho’s eyes on him. He meets them, and shakes his head.

Outside the restaurant, San takes the corner of the alley, resting against the wall.

“What’s up, Jongho-ya?”

Now that San is here, in front of him, all the thoughts Jongho had get lost somewhere, beyond his capability to speak. He doesn’t know what to say, trying to gather his words.

“How do you know… how can you tell when something’s worth giving up something for?”

“Like in what context? Is it a job, a person?”

“Hmm… both? None?”

San ponders on Jongho’s words, twisting his head to the side, like he’s trying to decipher them. Jongho has always appreciated how thoughtful with his words, how much San tries to understand despite Jongho’s inability to truly open up sometimes. “Are you giving yourself up? Do you feel like you’re losing yourself?”

Jongho wants to shudder, because the second question. That’s what he’s been asking himself for a while, and he doesn’t have an answer.

“I feel like… I already have. But I don’t know. I don’t know if something I’m doing is just furthering that, or is helping me find myself in this whole mess.”

“Do you… feel like yourself when doing it? Do you really, truly enjoy it?”

“It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. So, maybe? To the second question… yes. I really, _really_ do.”

“So you don’t know whether the fact that you want it is bad for you or good for you.”

“Sort of, yes,” Jongho nods. “I feel like it is good for me, but… there are things that make it hard. And I don’t know what do about those.”

San works his lip into his mouth, looking straight at Jongho. “Jongho-ya… I know you don’t see yourself like that, but I feel like you’ve become an overthinker. Especially after college.” Jongho snorts, because _who is talking._ “No, I’m serious. Try to take a step back sometimes. If there’s something that makes you happy, you are the person that would fight to keep it so. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the struggle to make something work.”

Jongho blinks at San’s words. Is he? Perhaps he is.

The reminder is nice anyway. That someone still sees him as strong.

“But if it doesn’t and you _know_ you’re done, you also have the strength to drop it. Whatever your brain and your heart tell you, listen to them.”

“Thank you, San-hyung.”

“Anytime. Do you want to head back in?”

“Yeah. Let’s go back,” Jongho leads San back, holding the door open for him. Thankfully, nobody comments on their disappearance, but Jongho still feels Yunho’s stare on him at times. Jongho smiles at him when their eyes meet once, and Yunho smiles in return.

Between Mingi and Wooyoung, all their outings turn into chaos, but that’s just something Jongho’s gotten used to. Their chaos soothes Jongho’s thoughts; he would even say it makes him happy.

Which is why when at the end of the dinner, Yunho turns to him and asks if he wants to go for a walk in the park nearby, Jongho answers with a smile.

San’s words helped, he thinks as they walk into the park, mostly dark and empty of people. It’s too cold for a walk, the March air still unforgiving even as the weather warmed, but when Yunho asks if he can hold his hand, his fingers tangle with Yunho’s own, comforting and somehow warm.

“Are you doing okay?” Yunho asks, in that tone of voice he has that has no judgment, no pressure, no curiosity. It’s casual, but like he really wants to know.

“Yes. It was nice to go out with them, and talking to San-hyung was nice too.”

“He really always has the right words to say.”

“He does.”

Yunho’s fingers squeeze his own, and Jongho hums, tucking himself slightly into Yunho’s side.

“I think I have a few decisions to make in the next while,” Jongho admits, low.

“Regarding what?”

“I think… first of all, my family.”

“Do you want to come out to them?”

“I think it’s time. You don’t have to do it with me—“

“I’ll be there. If you want me to,” Yunho stops, turns to Jongho and cups his cheek with the hand that’s not tangled with Jongho’s. “Anything you need.”

“Thank you,” Jongho smiles, and reaches up to on his tiptoes to press his lips to Yunho’s. Yunho welcomes him, Jongho’s hand on his hip steadying him; he feels Yunho’s smile on his lips, the slight drag of his tongue over his lip before he pulls back, his forehead resting on his own.

“Want to spend the night?”

“Mhm.”

Yunho lays on his side, half on Jongho’s chest and half on the bed, eyes turned up to his. Jongho’s weaker than anything for those puppy eyes of his, the look on Yunho’s face when he’s looking up at Jongho. Jongho blinks and all of a sudden, his thumb is tracing Yunho’s cheekbone and Yunho’s eyes flutter closed for a brief second.

When he opens them, his gaze burns into Jongho’s soul. He’d give this man the world. That and more, if he asked; that Jongho is sure of.

“Thank you,” Yunho whispers, his eyes closing for a second as he nuzzles his cheek into Jongho’s palm.

“For what?”

“For what you’ve taught me.”

“Hmm? What did I teach you?”

Yunho smiles, small and content, like a satisfied puppy who’s getting cuddles and pats.

“You helped me learn that wanting something for myself isn’t selfish. That expressing out loud the things I want to do, and demand that I also be listened to isn't a bad thing.”

“Oh,” Jongho asks, shaky. “Really? Did I?”

“You did. Though I still feel bad that… it took me leading you on for years to learn that.”

“You didn’t. You never led me on. You were always honest and always straightforward. I wanted everything, from the beginning. I knew what I was getting into.”

“Can we talk about it?” Yunho moves, resting on his elbows with his chin on Jongho’s chest. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m just kind of curious.”

“About what?” Jongho hums.

“About you liking me,” he grins. Jongho groans, throwing his head back, feeling how his ears and his cheeks redden instantly. “Come on,” he teases, biting at Jongho’s shirt so Jongho’s eyes fall down onto his again, give him attention. Jongho knows that when he’ll see Yunho’s puppy eyes he’ll give in anyway, so he wants to prolong the moment as much as possible.

“What do you want to hear?” He sighs, giving in to see where Yunho’s grinning, Jongho’s shirt between his teeth.

“When did you realize it?”

Jongho takes a deep breath through his nose, humming out an uncertain noise. He remembers the moment, it’s always stayed a vivid memory, walking into the school-run coffee shop on his first day of university for an Americano he oh-so-desperately needed. Yunho was behind the counter, clad in a green apron, and when he smiled at Jongho and asked him how his day was, Jongho was _gone._

“The first time I met you.”

“Stop being cheesy,” Yunho slaps a hand on his chest, which Jongho jokingly groans in pain at. “I’m being serious.”

“I’m serious too!”

“Really?” Yunho pouts, turning Jongho’s thoughts into mush. What is keeping himself together when Yunho is here?

“Really. I had always looked forward to college because I knew I’d be able to do things I couldn’t do at home. You know, experiment… try to date guys as well as girls. And I was really looking forward to meeting those people and having those experiences, and seeing, well, _you,_ my first day there,” Jongho hums, “I don’t know how to explain it, hmm…” Yunho stays quiet, eyes patiently set on Jongho’s while he finds his words. Jongho purses his lips. “You were everything I had ever pictured.”

“I… Are you serious?”

“Mhm,” Jongho nods, running his hand through strands of Yunho’s hair. “Yeah. I mean… I found you so attractive,” the words almost hurt when they leave Jongho’s mouth, the thought of saying this out loud so unimaginable to him he’s sure his cheeks are crimson by now. He can’t meet Yunho’s eyes, his own stuck somewhere on the crown of his hair, and yet… it feels relieving, to be able to finally express this out loud. Something that means so much to him, and to Yunho himself. “So I kept coming. It helped that you worked right before my classes, and ice Americano ran through my veins in college, so…” Yunho chuckles, because he too knows Jongho can’t live without coffee.

“I never really expected you to notice me. I was kind of comfortable just watching you,” Jongho shrugs. “Wait actually. That sounds creepy. I didn’t mean it like that, it was just like… you were so nice and you knew so many people who came in and they all looked so cool, that I didn’t really expect anything to come out of it. You were just cute, and you made me feel nice, and the coffee was good, the coffee shop was busy but it always felt welcoming, and it became my safe spot, in many ways.”

“Of course I noticed you,” Yunho nods, drawing Jongho’s eyes to his. “I noticed you every time you came in.”

“Before you came to talk to me?”

“Of course. You didn’t think I did that right away, did you?”

“You planned it?” Jongho’s eyebrows rise.

“Of course. I don’t know, I guess I was… kind of into you too. I just didn’t recognize it then. You had your little table in the corner and you looked so focused when you were studying, it was kind of relaxing to watch you. And you didn’t use to smile too often, especially when you were working with other people, but you always smiled when I gave you your coffee, and your smile was so beautiful. And I thought a lot of how to approach you, if you’d find it creepy or weird.”

“I didn’t,” Jongho frantically shakes his head.

“I know. But I didn’t know that then,” Yunho smiles, resting his cheek on Jongho’s chest. “I’m glad I came though.”

“I’m glad you did too,” Jongho smiles down at him as well, still fiddling with his black hair.

“I can’t believe you liked me for six years though. _Six years,_ and you never said anything! I didn’t even know!”

“I know, I wanted it like that. I wanted you to like me too, for real, not to feel any sort of pressure or obligation because I liked you,” Jongho nods; he’s always stood behind that, that if it’s ever meant to be, it will happen. And he was right. “How did you realize it though?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You must’ve realized it, if you kissed me, right?”

“I did,” Yunho chuckles. “Kind of. I guess I wanted it to be true more than I was certain, but… open your phone.”

“My phone?” Jongho reaches for his phone, and it opens when it faces him, and _oh…_

It’s Yunho’s selfie. Right.

Yunho and San had messed around with Jongho’s phone once a couple of years before, taking selfies of themselves and setting them as his home screen and lock screen respectively. Eventually Jongho changed his lock screen, but didn’t change his home screen, and plus...

“I mean, forgetting it would’ve been one thing, but you had broken your phone a few months before and gotten a new one. So I thought you must’ve set it yourself,” Yunho chuckles. “I’ve seen it before, but I think it took seeing it at the right moment, when you came by that evening and braved the rain without complaint just to watch a movie you didn’t even want to see, for it to click for me. In hindsight... it was kind of obvious, but I was blind.”

Yeah, that. Jongho did set it himself. His cheeks redden from Yunho’s words, embarrassed at the thought of being caught.

“But that’s when you realized I liked you. When did you... like me? Or like... started it...” Jongho trails off, suddenly self-conscious.

“Oh,” Yunho laughs. “It’s kind of messed up, to be honest.”

“Really?”

“Mhm. It was when you came with me to buy Hongjoong’s ring.”

Jongho’s jaw drops.

“Are you for real?”

“Yeah. Kind of. I had already paid for it, and I was happy with how it looked and all, but there was still _something_ there. And then I turned around, and saw you looking at those rings, and... I couldn’t say anything.”

Something stabs through Jongho’s chest; it’s warm, but also somehow painful.

“I was just standing there, looking at you, and a thought stabbed through my brain: I was making a mistake. But I didn’t know why, and it felt like it was too late. I felt like it was just nervousness from the idea, and that was that.”

Yunho chuckles, but it’s not that funny anymore. “That’s why I came here and I said _I’m happy_ when it was over. Because I was. I was hurt and angry and a mess, but I was _happy._ I felt _free._ Messed up, right? In the end, Hongjoong-hyung did what I was too much of a coward to do.

“And then you came and spent my lunchtimes with me even if you had to run from your gym, brought me coffee, tasted my shitty food attempts, and... I struggled so hard with my brain to say it wasn’t right, and that you deserved more than being my rebound when I was still so messed up. But then... then I realized that we had always done those things. Maybe in that case you comforted me more than other times because I felt so shitty for so long, but you had always been the person I came to when things were bad _and_ good. This was a temporary thing, a hump in the road of my life, a bad thing, admittedly large, but... you have always been _my person._ And sitting on my couch then, your head on my shoulder... I just didn’t see a reason not to be selfish anymore.”

Yunho looks up at him with those eyes, the eyes that he’s fallen in love with so long ago, and Jongho... well, Jongho _feels._

“Wait, are you _crying?”_ Yunho’s hand swipes at his cheekbone, and only then does Jongho feel the wetness on his own face.

“No, I’m not,” Jongho frantically swipes at his eyes with the hand that was in Yunho’s hair. “I’m not.”

“Ah, you...” Yunho turns around, sliding his arms under Jongho and resting his head next to his, his lips pressing on Jongho’s temple. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“No, it’s good,” Jongho wraps his own arms around Yunho, hugging him to his chest, burying his face in his hair. “It’s good.”

“You’re so cute,” Yunho chuckles, turning slightly to press a kiss to Jongho’s forehead. “My cute _baby.”_

“Ah, _hyung._ Stop, _please.”_

Yunho meets Jongho’s complaints with a grin and tickles to his sides, pulling whiny sounds and twitches from Jongho when Yunho straddles him and dives with abandon. It’s _unfair_ , Jongho is ticklish and _hates it_ , but Yunho enjoys teasing him so much that tickle attacks have become a given. One of these days, Jongho is going to accidentally kick him really hard and then he’ll learn.

And then Yunho stops, face close to Jongho’s, a small grin tugging at his mouth and mirth in his eyes; Jongho meets them and smiles on his lips.

“Hongjoong-hyung texted me earlier today.”

“Oh?” Jongho asks, looking up from his phone. Yunho looks deep in thought, his eyebrows furrowed. “And?”

“He wants to meet.”

Oh. Hongjoong and Yunho haven’t met since they broke it off those months ago; he knows they kept in contact, but they haven’t _met._

“Do you wanna go?”

“Kinda. I sort of miss him, you know?”

Jongho hates the selfish arrow of _jealousy_ that burns through him. Of course he does. “Oh.”

“I mean,” Yunho pulls his knee to his chest, putting his arm on it, longing back on the couch, “kind of as a friend. He’s still there somewhere, but… I think I miss talking to him more than anything.”

From the other end of the couch, Jongho blinks. He… kind of gets it. Hongjoong is Hongjoong, he is hard not to miss.

“Is it okay… if I tell him?” Yunho chances, testing the mood.

“About what?”

“About us.”

By now, Jongho’s jaw is collecting dust on the floor. “You… you want to?”

“Yes.”

“You _want to?_ Wait, really?”

Yunho drops his knee, getting up from the couch and striding over to the other end of it. Mesmerized, Jongho looks up at him— at how he’s hovering over Jongho, at the intense look suddenly on his face. When Yunho straddles a leg over his, slowly lowering himself on his knees to Jongho’s lap, Jongho thinks his heart might beat out of his chest. Yunho moves forward, teasing; his lips are almost touching Jongho’s when his own hands attach themselves to Yunho’s hips, entranced. He doesn’t see this Yunho often, this fatal, seductive Yunho… and as always, he is wildly unprepared for when he does.

His lips turn up into a smile on Jongho’s cheek, teasing at the corner of his mouth. “I want to,” Yunho whispers with a peck to Jongho’s cheek, dragging his lips up, up and to Jongho’s ear. “I _really_ want to. Can I show you how much?”

Jongho feels Yunho’s ass teasingly dragging over his thighs, up to his crotch, Yunho’s breaths in his ear, and feels like he’s been caught in the spider’s web. Prey.

_Too bad he’s enjoying it._

Yunho rides him right there on the couch, his arms around Jongho’s neck and Jongho’s hands fastened to the dip in his waist. Yunho’s gorgeous thighs strain with the effort but he’s determined to make Jongho come like this, maddeningly rolling his hips in his lap, hunched over to bite marks on the underside of Jongho’s jaw.

Head tilted back at Yunho’s mercy, eyes closed and mouth open, Jongho can’t help but _feel._ Sliding one hand to Yunho’s ass he feels himself taking Yunho apart, digging his fingers in his skin, and can’t help but _let go_ of the fire burning at his veins _._ Yunho doesn’t stop, fiery and merciless, keeps going until he comes too in Jongho’s fist with a harsh bite to his shoulder.

Jongho can’t even be mad that Yunho sometimes fucks to forget, hot and heavy and so unlike him. If he remembers Jongho instead, he’s more than good with it.

The evening of Yunho’s meeting with Hongjoong, Jongho is waiting for him with chicken and soju, ready for however Yunho might come.

Thankfully, he looks happy when he walks through the door, pulling Jongho in for a breathy kiss before he even takes off his jacket or his shoes.

“So it went well?”

“Mmm, yeah. It was okay.”

“So then not really?”

Jongho waits for Yunho to sit on the couch, lighting up at the sight of the food and the drinks.

“Mmm, no, it was good. I think… seven months can’t erase four years, no matter what. Even if I have you and Hongjoong has someone too… it’s not really easy. It was kind of awkward.”

Jongho nods, pursing his lips.

“I told him though.”

“And?” Jongho’s heart quickens. He can’t deny that it matters to him a lot— Yunho being willing to tell someone so important about them, and… Hongjoong’s opinion too, just the slightest bit.

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course,” Jongho’s heart beats even faster.

“He said it was pretty obvious. That it had always been, looking back.”

“Oh.”

Was it? Had Jongho always been obvious? Did everyone know?

“Looking back at me too,” Yunho continues, biting into another piece of chicken. “I guess, well… Anyway. He said he’s happy for us.”

“I’m happy for him too.”

“I know, me too,” Yunho muses. “I really am.”

“Can I tell you about something?” Yunho asks later that evening, when they’re about to drift off to sleep in Jongho’s bed.

“Mhm,” Jongho hums, half asleep, Yunho’s fingers drumming a pattern on his waist lulling his eyes closed.

“My studio, they want to start a sort of idol academy. Not a training program, but sort of something before it, to help people train for entering agencies. It would have everything, obviously dance, but also rap, producing… vocals. They’re looking for trainers to help, but you can do your own stuff too since they have studios and all of that.”

“Hmm,” Jongho hums. Yunho’s words register somewhere but he’s too exhausted and sated to compute what they really mean.

“I think you should apply.”

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow?” he murmurs, and feels Yunho nod from his place on his chest.

“Sure.”

They don’t talk about it tomorrow. Yunho wakes up late and has to run out of the door to get to his first class on time, and Jongho is left to agonize over it by himself while he gets ready for the day.

It sounds… it sounds like something that could so easily go wrong. Jongho has not actually sung anything more than at _norebang_ for two years, and he barely remembers the things he learned in his business management major classes, not even to mention vocal techniques from his music major. He’s always been a tad bit too impatient to teach, and the knowledge that he’d have young, impressionable kids’ fates in his hands is not something that sounds too appealing to him.

He knows the owners of Yunho’s studio because they do treat Yunho more like a son and not as an employee, and he knows they’re good people— strict, but kind. He wouldn’t mind working under them, and he’s sure that whatever projects they have are well thought through and planned out. He knows they’d give him the freedom to do whatever he wants and the support he needs to be able to do his best.

And yet, Jongho has given up on music when he left college, and it’s not easy to go back.

He agonizes over the idea for quite a few days, which happen to be too busy for him to see Yunho at all. The idea floats his brain when he’s buried up to his neck in documents, when someone screams at him that a treadmill caught in their clothing even if it is displayed that loose clothes are not recommended, when people steal dumbbells, when staff doesn’t show up to work; the owners here care very little for their employees, form staff to low-level managers like Jongho, and it’s almost too easy to imagine letting go. He believed in the mission of this gym at the beginning, but now it’s gone.

It comes up in his and Yunho’s conversation a couple of days after, while Jongho calls him when he’s going home.

 _“Are you considering the application?”_ Yunho prods, but gently. He doesn’t want to push Jongho too much, which…

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

_“It’s just an idea. It’s not the end of the world, nor the last shot. Although I think you’d be great at it.”_

“I know,” Jongho sighs into the phone as he unlocks his door, putting the panel down. He needs to remember to give Yunho a key, or tell him the code. “I just… I don’t know.”

_“I don’t want you to stress over something else though.”_

“I’m not. I’m thinking about it.”

_“I’m here if you want to talk about it though.”_

“I know. I’ll tell you if I do.”

He doesn’t. Yunho brings it up a couple more times, he thinks discreetly, slips it into the conversation when Jongho isn’t ready for it; when they’re cuddling, or laughing about something, or getting food. However, he’s too blunt for Jongho not to notice it immediately; Yunho is good at comforting people, but not at talking.

_“If you want to give it a thought—“_

“I’ve given it more than a thought, I’ve given it many thoughts, hyung, and I still don’t have the answer. Asking me again is not going to change anything.” That time, it catches Jongho in maybe the wrong moment, when he’s slightly more off than usual.

Yunho pauses on the phone, and Jongho deflates, about to say something to placate the situation. He’s never really snapped at Yunho, never really had anything where—

_“How about we talk about it tonight? For real now. I’ll come by after my class is done at 8.”_

He breathes in, fingers massaging his temples. His head _hurts._ “Fine.”

_“Okay. I’ll come over and you can tell me, alright? And I’ll listen, I promise.”_

God, Jongho feels _so bad_ now, because Yunho is just looking out for him, and Jongho snapped at him for that exact same reason.

And so, that evening when Yunho sits on his couch, looking at him, Jongho sighs and understands he’s going to need to let go.

“What are you afraid of?”

The way Yunho asks… it reminds him of when they were in bed together, that first time, and Jongho asked him what he was afraid of knowing that there wasn’t anything to be afraid about.

“Messing up.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, there are so many ways to.”

“And how many of those have you made up in your head, and how many are real issues?”

Jongho blinks, taken aback by the weight of Yunho’s words. Yunho usually doesn’t speak like this… and he doesn’t look to want to continue, the question a genuine one to Jongho. He must’ve thought about this; about what to say to get to Jongho.

He guesses… well, most of them he made up. “Uh… aren’t those valid though?”

“Like what?”

“Like… I have never taught, I don’t remember many of the theories from college, I haven’t sung in years, I have no idea what idol songs are like.” And right when he says them, he realizes what they are. Insecurities. Fixable issues.

God, Yunho is too good at this. His point proven, he doesn’t need to say anything; that’s what he’s good at, bringing comfort, clarity with just a few words. Now Jongho just needs to fester in his thoughts, and Yunho knows it, that his job is done.

“You’re insufferable,” Jongho whispers in his neck, tucking himself into Yunho’s side. Yunho wraps a hand around him and hums with Jongho’s head tucked into his shoulder, always comforting, always understanding.

_“Want to come out tonight? We’re celebrating.”_ Yunho chuckles on the phone; Jongho can’t help but smile at the mirth of his tone, holding his phone between ear and shoulder while he rearranges the files on his computer.

 _You wouldn’t have to deal with any of this,_ a little devil in his head that sounds suspiciously like Yunho whispers. A few months before he wouldn’t have seen him as anything close to that, but as Jongho is slowly learning more about Yunho’s hidden sides, he gets to discover many things he didn’t expect.

The application stares at him from his computer, completed. _You just have to save it and send it_.

_“Jongho-ya?”_

“Oh, sorry. Spaced out for a second. What are we celebrating?”

_“Sannie finally getting his head out of his ass.”_

“Ah. Did he finally ask Mingi out?”

_“Yup. Mingi called me crying today, saying it was the best day of his life.”_

Jongho chuckles at the thought. They’re going to be insufferable, the both of them; Jongho is entirely looking forward to it.

“Hongdae?”

 _“Yes, the usual,”_ Yunho says, his voice slightly changing, _“uhm…”_

“What’s up?”

_“Hongjoong will be there. With…”_

Oh, then Jongho is _a hundred percent_ going.

“I’ll try to make it,” Jongho affirms. “I have a lot of work to finish today before the weekend, but maybe I’ll come after?”

_“I’ll see you there then.”_

“Mhm.”

_“Take care, okay? Don’t work too hard.”_

“You too.”

When Yunho hangs up, Jongho is left staring at the completed application on his screen.

It’s scary. When he entered college he had been ready to leave music to the side, understanding of the fact he’d end up being nothing more than one of those _ahjussis_ who’d be entirely too good at karaoke to match up with the rest of his drunken colleagues. He’d been ready to accept the real world, seeing music as a necessary sacrifice to make in the larger scheme of things, for a potential partner, maybe a family, a satisfying life.

But when someone like Yunho comes into your life, it’s hard to not ache for something more. Every day when he gets out of Jongho’s bed to get to work, or when Jongho stays over, Jongho stays back into bed and admires the radiance on Yunho’s face. He’s a heavy sleeper, so Jongho knew him to be hard to wake up and the opposite of a morning person, and to a degree he is, judging by the many weekend mornings lazily spent in bed, but every workday Yunho wakes up and kisses Jongho with a smile on his face. He has coffee made and breakfast started by when Jongho even _thinks_ to get out of bed, _excited_ to get going, to start his day.

Excited to live his life. Excited for both the teaching and the management he does for the studio, because dance is what he _likes_ to do, and he likes making that possible. Yunho is an example of who Jongho never dared to dream to be, someone who made his passion his life, and who is able to work through all the difficulties of the world with the hope and optimism that it will be just _fine._ Confident, sure, bright.

Jongho looks back at himself and wonders when he stopped being that person himself, the person who _lived_ for music, for singing; when he lost his passion, when he lost that sense of confidence in himself that drove him so far in college, and why.

Maybe it was when he saw Hongjoong, the person he looked up to most, take a job he hated after graduation with a smile on his face, so clearly giving up and obviously ignoring it; he had the power to say very little when everyone else believed him so easily when he said he was happy with it. Maybe it was just his own insecurities, his inability to struggle, to work hard for something he wants. Maybe it was his parents, maybe it was the emotional exhaustion.

But lately, he thinks he’s never really lost anything. Lately, when Yunho kisses him and bounds out the door to go to the studio, already late, the wall Jongho built around his real self breaks little by little, and strays of light filter in. And with this idea, this position, Yunho took a hammer to whatever was left of his fears and determinedly tore the wall to pieces.

Jongho can’t see any reason not to send it anymore; his head draws up blank when he tries to. It’s scary, but…

Jongho thinks of Hongjoong, and finds it almost funny. His and Hongjoong’s struggles are so fundamentally similar, but Yunho does for Jongho exactly what he was never able to do for Hongjoong.

Help him be himself.

Jongho zeroes in on his friends’ table one second after walking into the club. For some reason, they’re hard to miss; maybe it’s the happiness radiating off of San’s face when he approaches them. Maybe it’s the shock of Hongjoong’s red hair; that’s new. There’s no one attached to Hongjoong’s side though, not the person Jongho has seen him with before; there’s only San, Yeosang, Wooyoung, and him.

“Congratulations, hyung. Took you long enough,” he sits down next to San, who pulls him into a tight side hug. Jongho returns it, because it’s a special occasion, and when he pulls back, San’s eyes shine even in the dark light of the club.

“Thank you. Now go talk to Hongjoong-hyung,” San doesn’t cut his words, almost screaming in Jongho’s ear. “He wanted to talk to you especially, for some reason.”

Jongho knows the reason. He’s not surprised Hongjoong didn’t tell anyone else; he wouldn’t do that to them.

He makes eye contact with Hongjoong; Hongjoong shakes his head up and Jongho gets it, following his hyung up and towards the door. They step out into the chilly air; it’s April, but there’s still a bite to the night wind. Hongjoong takes a few more steps, laying on the brick wall of the club, facing him; Jongho expects him to take out his cigarettes, the one bad habit he still had that he _begged_ Jongho not to tell Yunho about every night in a studio they spent together in college, and the times after.

But he doesn’t. He puts his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, one that looks entirely too big to be his.

“Thank you, Jongho-ya.”

Jongho doesn’t bother asking what for; it’s clear in the small smile tugging at Hongjoong’s lips.

“I’m sorry,” Jongho almost gets drowned by the bass of the club. The guilt still weighs so heavily on his chest, and to a degree, he doesn’t think it will stop anytime soon. No matter how happy they all are.

“For what? You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“For sabotaging you two.”

“You never sabotaged us,” Hongjoong shakes his head, a chuckle on his lips, and his hand falls on Jongho’s shoulder. “Yunho and I weren’t meant to be, and we’ve known that for a while, that we were pulling at straws.

“But still… he proposed to you, hyung,” Jongho lets it out. He’s always been weakest in front of Hongjoong, his hyung a presence too big, too overwhelming. Hongjoong has always known it all.

“He proposed to me because we were going nowhere. It was his deadline for me and himself to make this work. And it didn’t. I was sad too, and I’m sure he was as well,” Jongho almost _tastes_ the bitterness, the blame in Hongjoong’s tone it’s so heavy, “but… it was what needed to happen.”

Hongjoong squeezes his shoulder tighter. He doesn’t know why their friends don’t see it; Hongjoong _is_ different, but it’s not in the way they were all expecting.

“So thank you. For taking care of him when I couldn’t,” Hongjoong smiles. “These whole past three years.”

Jongho nods, uncertain of what really to say. “Hyung… well, I hope you’re happy.”

“I am. You should be too,” Hongjoong smiles, and lets go.

“Uhm actually, Hongjoong-hyung... I have a favor to ask.”

“What is it?”

“Will you continue teaching me how to produce? From where we left off in college?”

The smile blooming on Hongjoong’s face is wide and proud. Jongho _missed it._

“Text me Monday, and we’ll schedule it.”

Jongho follows him back into the club and to the table, where someone else with black hair is sitting next to Yeosang. Jongho watches the way Hongjoong sits down on his other side, how the man’s hand rests calmly on his knee and he turns to Hongjoong with a sweet, private smile. Hongjoong’s smile blooms in return, and together they turn back to Yeosang, fitting themselves into conversation.

Jongho averts his eyes. He’ll get his chance to meet him later. Right now… he has something more pressing to do.

“Where’s Yunho-hyung?” he asks in San’s ear, who points to the dancefloor.

“Dancing with Mingi.”

Jongho follows the point of San’s fingers until he sees Yunho. It would be hard not to; he and Mingi are taller than most people in the club, towering over them. Jongho slowly makes his way there, pushing gently past people, until Yunho and Mingi both catch his eyes. Mingi waves at him and Jongho notices how Yunho leans to whisper something in his ear. Mingi nods and two seconds later, he brushes past Jongho and leaves the dancefloor.

Jongho takes his place. Like magnets, Yunho’s hands attach themselves to his hips the second he gets close enough to him.

“You came,” Yunho mouths with a smile.

“Of course,” Jongho mouths in return, giving in to the slight tug at the corner of his lips.

Yunho hums in return, hands getting more insistent on Jongho’s hips; Jongho feels the awareness of where they are tugging at the back of his consciousness, but it’s barely relevant. The people around them do little to hide them from their friends at the table, from the perfect view they surely have to Jongho and Yunho. And still, the dark atmosphere of the club, the low bass thrumming through his body tingle at Jongho’s spine, empower him to take a step forward when Yunho does the same, move his hips alongside the music.

Their bodies press against each other’s; staring into Yunho’s eyes, Jongho lets his own hands trail up his sides and down his arms, tangle with Yunho’s where they’re pressed insistently low on his hips, squeeze.

An invitation; Jongho lets go and drags them up on Yunho’s shoulders, to tangle around his neck. Yunho presses even more forward, if possible, until he’s all that Jongho can feel. His lips gently touch Jongho’s jaw, under his ear.

“Is this okay?” he asks in Jongho’s ear, tone heady and raspy with _want_. Jongho feels the tingle running down his stomach rest low.

“Mhm.”

Jongho’s nod jostles Yunho’s head; his lips curve up on the side of Jongho’s neck, dragging over his skin at a maddeningly slow pace. The teasing thrums in Jongho’s body, mouth falling open in a hard breath he can’t quite hold back. In return, Yunho presses more insistently, the first touch of his tongue on Jongho’s skin sending a shiver down Jongho’s center. He’s _so_ sensitive and Yunho has learned how to play him like a toy, drag noises from out of him he wouldn’t dream to make, turn him on before Jongho’s considerations have time to settle in his mind.

Yunho moves down to the junction of his neck and collarbones and _sucks_ ; the thought that Jongho’s getting marked up in a public place like this, for everyone to see, for their _friends_ to see, Yunho’s hands tight on his hips pulling him on his body…

Jongho lets out a moan, loud and drawn out; a tremble tangles his hands in Yunho’s hair when he licks over the mark he’s undoubtedly put on Jongho’s skin.

_Fuck._

Jongho drags him back up by his hair, feels his knees buckle at the smile on Yunho’s face, his tongue dragging out to wet his already shiny lips. If Yunho’s hands weren’t steadfastly holding onto his hips, if they weren’t surrounded by hundreds of strangers, Jongho would’ve fallen to his knees in front of Yunho, worshipped him like he deserves to be.

“You’re so beautiful,” Yunho mouths, biting at his slightly swollen lips. Jongho wants to feel them on his, wants Yunho to _take him apart._

Instead, he brings his mouth closer to Yunho’s ear. He breathes in, and—

“I sent it.”

Yunho’s mouth drops, pulling back to look into Jongho’s eyes. The small smile slowly takes over his face, moves up to his eyes. Jongho’s hands play with the hair on the back of his head, letting Yunho find in him whatever he wants to see while Jongho grins up at him, finally letting it out; he _knows_ he’s made the right decision.

He’s known it since the first time Yunho came to him and let him know about it.

Yunho's hands come to rest on the sides of his neck, big and _warm._ Comforting in that way that almost feels like coming home, but with the air of the club around them, the heavy bass of the music thrumming through his body, their weight is _noticeable._

Jongho's breath catches, suddenly aware of their position. The world around them stops when Yunho glances down at Jongho's lip bitten in his mouth, his tongue darting out like he wants to _taste._ His hands tighten on Jongho's neck, and the tension thrums in Jongho's body, helped by the low bass of the music and Yunho's crotch aligned against his own.

"Can I...?" Yunho bends down to ask in his ear, the roughness of his voice making Jongho _moan._

He wants _nothing_ more than that.

_"Please."_

Yunho pulls back and Jongho looks up into Yunho's eyes, sees the unbridled desire, the heat just barely hidden swimming in them, but the more he looks the more clearly he can see the pride, the _love_.

Yunho kisses him.

In the dark light of a club in Hongdae, surrounded by people, someone's elbow pressing into Jongho's back, with his friends undoubtedly watching their every move, Yunho's tongue slides along Jongho's. Head tipped back to welcome him, Jongho turns his head to the left, wraps his hands tighter in Yunho's hair and _tugs,_ swallowing Yunho's low moan, the rising desperation in it exploding butterflies in Jongho's stomach.

Everybody knows now. And Yunho seems to have no issue with that, judging by how his hands end up on Jongho's lower back, pulling him in more to his body, their kiss turning entirely inappropriate for a public place.

He doesn’t care. Jongho has sent caution to hell years ago, since he looked at Yunho and Yunho’s eyes looked to Hongjoong instead.

But now Yunho is with him. And Jongho is never letting go.

“You’re really not going to help?” Jongho asks after once again, he catches Yunho on the porch of their new house, just looking around at it. Jongho’s carried half of the boxes from inside the car and Yunho did _maybe_ two. Indulgently.

“Why would I, when I can watch my _strong,_ smoking hot boyfriend do all the work for me?” Yunho laughs when Jongho pulls him in by his belt loops, stealing a long kiss from his lips.

“Stop being sappy,” Jongho teases, hitting him with a light hand and leaving it there, splayed against his chest. “You’re just lazy.”

“Mhm,” Yunho agrees, “maybe.” He tangles Jongho’s fingers into his, lifting them to press a soft, reverent kiss to their joined hands; a shudder makes its way down Jongho’s spine. It never seems to get easier, watching Yunho be like this. _Be his._

His glance falls down on his and Yunho’s intertwined fingers resting back on Yunho’s chest when he lets go, the way Yunho’s hand feels like home threaded into his; Yunho beams up at him with the light of the sun, and Jongho looks into his eyes, feels how the smile on his own face is tugging at his cheeks.

On his and Yunho’s ring fingers, the bands of diamonds beautifully catch on the sunlight.

Just like he thought so years before.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter and CC @bbysvts if you want to scream at me about this or anything else. <3 Hope you enjoyed reading it, and I look forward to seeing what y'all think. <3


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